I’m a computer science major, and I don’t beat the stereotype of being a nerdy virgin even if I am cute. On the outside I have this image of being pretty blunt, reserved, and not at all interested in sex or anything remotely related. When my guy friends (all gay) talk about their sex lives I usually just tune them out. My best friend is convinced I’m asexual and just won’t admit it, and I’ve used lesbian as a label for years.

but something new is happening. like, very out of character lol. i started a new med to help me get my periods, and with it i get all the symptoms of menstrual cycles, including ovulating and the wave of horniness at the start of my cycle.

lot of the time when this is happening i can’t even concentrate on my homework or class. i have to speed walk back to my dorm and scroll through all these degrading subreddits that i would have been grossed out by a year ago. looking at like women like lily lou with a brain dead look in their eyes as they’re shown their place, and they all look so vapid and happy. the more stressed i got this semester the more it turned into an addiction. watching these videos all transfixed on how good it looks, how good it must feel. i especially like the ones that don’t involve anything painful but still look humiliating, knowing that these are people who also had big hopes only to switch gears at some point. but i just keep looking, keep sucking in all this porn. only to have to shut my phone off and go back to work.

don’t get me wrong, i love college and my major. but it’s like my body is making the decisions sometimes instead of me. i’ve started having dreams where a man takes me forcefully, yet gently, all while telling me i’m just a dumb slut who’s too silly for complicated things like math.

i don’t know why now of all times i’m suddenly experiencing all this. my late night gaming sessions have turned into me scrolling reddit subs, and my study sessions have turned into me shoving a vibrator up my pussy while i try to concentrate. it’s like i’m being shown my purpose, stripped of any identity or empowerment.