I don't know where else to post this but I've realised that I don’t think about love and sex like other girls. When I see a man, I don’t think about cute dates or a future together. I have very dark, violent thoughts.

I think about his hands choking me until I pass out. I think about him holding me down and pissing on my face. I think about him covering my body in bruises and bites. Marking me. I think about him degrading me, calling me disgusting things, humiliating me, traumatizing me.

It doesn't help that I'm built for this. I've always been tiny and weak. No amount of MMA or weightlifting I do is changing that. To a casual observer, I’m a pretty normal girl. I have a good job, I have a handsome boyfriend. My friends are amazing, and I have hobbies that keep me happy in the little free time I have. But, there’s something fundamentally wrong with me. I don't know how to say no. I'm so pathetic.