I used to wish I was hot in high school, so I'd get attention from boys. When I finished school, I started to get all the attention I wanted, at least while it lasted and the boys thought I was easy.

All that partying and alcohol has ruined my figure. I'm worried its only going to get worse. That its all down hill from here now. I mean look at how its gone. I started with boyfriends reassuring me I was thin, then admitting I was a lil chubby, then kinda heavy, until the fateful day one day getting the one I was dreading: "I'll be honest Claire, you've gotten kinda fat."

All I sometimes think are left are men old enough to be my father. Knowing exactly what to say to bring me down and put me in my place. But also knowing exactly what to say to make me blush. What to shame me for. To tell me to put down a biscuit, or not to worry and scoff a whole packet. Knowing when to saying something about my pillowy thighs. Knowing just when to call me a good girl. A little bit of validation to make me tingle. I know I shouldn’t, but I start replying to their messages. Getting off on the attention. Sure they bring me down, degrade me, but you know, deep down I deserve it. And when they do say something nice? Fuck. I need those moments like a drug.Soon I'm chatting every day. It’s the only way I can get off, now. Degrading myself. All to earn praise from men I've never met. Dreaming that one day I'll be good enough.