I (22NB) have always been either too early or too late of a bloomer, never experiencing sexual milestones on time as my peers, and that included moaning. It wasn’t necessarily that I thought moaning was 100% fake, but I was under the impression that it was exaggerated for the performance—either for a film or for the benefit of your partner. I mean, most of us probably don’t sound like pornstars when we’re going solo, right? Then I got my first sex toy, and suddenly it was like a switch had been flipped.

Not immediately at first, it was actually kind of annoying getting used to it. I’d already been so well-acquainted with my hand that it felt more like satiating a curiosity than a desire. But I was already getting experimental around this time, so I kept trying. I don’t tend to think of myself in sexual scenarios or view porn in relation to my own personal interests, part of the appeal for me is imagining what the other person likes and getting to see their pleasure from it. But what the hell, I was 21 and I figured it was about time I got a little selfish. Found out that not only was I potentially into subbing, but I might actually be interesting in bottoming too. From there, I started getting off in different positions and looking up more sub-oriented things, and I finally, unintentionally, met the milestone.

On that historical day, I had been edging for a while, so I was riled up enough to try it with the toy again (maybe my 4th attempt at using it overall). I switched to an erotic audio I knew I already liked and got into a position I had only tried once before: bent over my bed with my knees to the ground and my upper body lying prone on the mattress. The unfamiliar situation made me uneasy at first, but it was pretty straightforward getting in the mood without the distraction of visual stimulation or following a narrative between its actors. I felt myself gradually settle in to the sound of the narrator in my ear, drowning out the buzzing of a foreign object between my legs. Maybe not quite “subspace,” but it definitely gets you into a certain mindset.

It was possibly the most indulgent I ever allowed myself to be alone. Sure, the physical sensation was pleasurable enough, but actually imagining myself in the position of my usual object of attraction was really doing something for me. It helped that the audio had such an inviting voice that I felt like I was being lulled into an orgasm. And then my climax came, and I didn’t want it to stop. I’d never gotten this far with my toy before, it usually acted as the foreplay before I switched to ol’ reliable, but this… this was new. This was flying too close to the sun.

I don’t know if I came multiple times or if it was one long orgasm seizing me, but by the time the first wave had past, it felt like something had struck me throughout my entire body, overwhelming me to the point of paralysis. And worse yet, that damned narrator was still crooning in my ear. The juxtaposition between the gentle soothing and the violent overstimulation shattered me, all I could do was tense up. My arm was in rigor mortis pinned beneath my body, and my thighs counterproductively squeezed together to ease the shock, forcing the toy to stay. I was hardly breathing as it was, but the overwhelm finally punched a breath out of me, and with it, a moan. And then another. And at last, a terrible string of sounds that I can only vaguely recall as a cross between a cry and a whimper.

That was finally what got me to stop. Not the crying, or the shaking, or the dizziness from my shallow breathing, but the shock that I could ever produce a moan at all, much less one that sounded like THAT. I dropped my toy and threw my earbuds off in maybe a bit of an overdramatic fashion, but in my defense, the whole thing FELT that dramatic. I couldn’t even enjoy the afterglow, I just buried my face into the sheets in utter embarrassment that I lost control like that. Don’t get me wrong, it was absolutely thrilling in retrospect, but I don’t like being caught off-guard in bed. Never thought I’d be the one to surprise myself.

Not bad for a late bloomer, probably top 3 orgasms in my life. I still don’t really moan much, I think I’ve gotten 1 or 2 more occasions since then. But even with repeating the elements from that first time, it was never as eventful. I wonder if anyone else had this same thought process or doubt, or if moaning just comes naturally to everyone else. I will say though, if for nothing else, it’s doubly rewarding hearing someone else moan now that I know firsthand how it can be so… involuntary.