I’m not making excuses I just wanted to state that before I got into this this is more therapy at this point I’m an introvert and I’m tired of thinking about it. Im 35 been married for 4 months now. I’ve been with my wife for a total of 9 years. I’m from a small town in the Midwest. Growing up my parents gave me a pretty liberal upbringing considering the town I lived in. There wasn’t much to do and I loved music, still do. I was shy but I got along with anyone. The nice thing about small towns everyone knows your business. So when I was 15 I was able to play out in bars because tight nit. Anyway. Everyone thought I wasn’t straight I asked a few girls out in high-school but I was awkward didn’t have any “game” was labeled to nice. Which was fine I felt like I knew myself better anyway. I wasn’t gay but I did have very specific preferences.

I was into black girls/women. Always have been and growing up in a small Midwest America town. None of that happening. Until I was a jr in high school. I got a lot of crap for it. Including death threats. I didn’t complain though I knew she had it worse. Anyway I got older went to college. Dated my preferred group. Always ended the same. When it got serious, she pulled away, saying the family wouldn’t approve or I would be an outsider and they wouldn’t get it. So eventually I started dating my now wife. She is wonderful and pretty much the only white woman I’ve ever been with. We moved to the city about 8 years ago. 5 years ago I became friends with one of my black female co workers. She was nice, attractive, kind, smart. Very patient (we worked with troubled youth). She was also a book worm and chill. We got to know each other. My wife (gf at the time) and I took a break. We were having some problems. But still living together. Anyway it got to the point this co worker and I had an unspoken crush lust whatever you want to call it but it wasn’t just about sex I genuinely liked this girl.

I thought I was about to completely change my life. We started sexting one night and we hung out a few times before. I never slept with her. Kissed her but I wanted to. I had a friend at the time who was a good dude wanted me to be happy. Told me how different I was when I was around her. He just wanted me to be happy. There was something about it. It just felt too good and easy so I thought it was wrong. Knowing myself I told her I couldn’t hangout or talk anymore. I knew it would end badly if we kept talking. I ran into her a few months ago. Still looks great she’s doing well. I miss her I won’t lie. I don’t feel like I settled I love my wife. There are just rare moments in life where I feel like you’re given what you want and I flinched. I’m happy but I could be happier.