I posted recently about having to have a female therapist because if it’s a male one then I’ll start to think about them sexually and won’t have proper sessions.

But talking to people these past few days have made me remember one of my very first therapists I had, that was soooo cute and young and ugh. I wanted him I think but at the time I was too broken and fragile to even consider it. Looking back, I wish he had taken advantage of me. I keep wondering if he touched himself after our appointments, after I told him about the bad things that happened to me.

I should have paid more attention to see if his crotch got stiff while I told him how powerless I felt on the beach the first time I was r*ped and how I faked being asleep/ dead. I wonder if he liked that I allowed my ex to use me after I told him, and all the other nasty stuff I allowed but haven’t even posted here yet.

So all today I’ve been edging thinking about him, mature and responsible and handsome, perfect for telling me anything he wanted and making me believe anything. I wish he had me on my knees in his office.