First off, this will come off as super vanilla compared to what seems to be usually posted here but I really want to share.

Through a mix of boredom, still being up, loneliness and a lounging to do something different I made a post saying I realize its late but if any guy from Insert name of where I live is up for a meet up at a bar, I'd like to give it a go. I specified that we likely wouldn't hook up but if we click we could go to my place and cuddle in bed.

I wasn't exactly horny, more like affection-starved.

I was instantly flooded with DMs, most disregarding the fact that I was only looking to speak with a local but in less than 10 minutes I got 3 guys saying they lived here and were game.

1st one came off as way too agressive, 2nd one was direct and to the point and 3rd one took too long to respond after we greeted each other.

So 2nd one is who I exchanged certain socials with and we moved on to setting a time and place. I picked a small bar I'm a regular at and know some of the servers and he said that was fine. I give him my # and he gives me his and I couldn't believe it, this was actually happening.

For the sake of context, I got divorced last year and my only dates have been with people who are friends of my friends or family. I've never used Tinder or any other dating app.

So this felt wild and crazy to me. The ride to the bar felt instant and I felt like I had a knot in my throat. Once there, I greeted the new friend I made online who we'll call Theo.

Theo is 3 years younger than me, was a little chubby but has thick, strong arms and a cute face. He carried himself with a lot more confidence than I did, of that I'm sure.

And for the next hour he was a nice, chatty guy but I guess I just couldn't get out of my own head. In no particular order, this was my inner monologue.

''He's so happy to be here, I wonder if he's lying and this is actually first time doing this sort of thing. I mean, what are the odds.''

''Oh, I don't know how he'll take it if I tell him I'm not sure I can go home with him.''

''It'd be so nice to fall asleep, snuggling with somebody and he looks cuddly.''

''He's feeling me up, this is real!''

''...We should have sex. I've made it this far and come on, he didn't agree to meet a stranger at 1am for snuggles.''

''Hey, he seems nervous too. Maybe we can end things here with no fuzz.''

''No, he definently wants to bang.''

''I think I wasn't ready for this, I can't bring him home.''

''I can feel my ears turning red, I hope he doesn't think its excitement.''

''...We're gonna fuck.''

''I have to tell him we'll have to call it a night here. I already feel exhausted and we've just been talking.''

So after an hour, I finally made a choice and told him I just didn't feel like moving things to my place and that I hoped he wouldn't be upset.

Theo tried to save things and I don't blame him for trying. Heck, like 20 minutes before I was ready to walk out with him but he wanted to finish telling me a certain story. So yeah, I know he was dissapointed.

To Theo's credit when he saw I was serious, he thanked me for seeing him and said he hoped we could go out another time. So we patiently waited for each other's Uber. He seemed deep in thought while I was trying to keep my cool.

His came first which he seemed annoyed by and we kissed each other good night. On the cheeks to further seal how unadventurous this adventure was.

And when I made it home my hands were shaking. Jesus, what a rush. Maybe I'm not cut out for this.

So that was me less than 24 hours ago.