I'm going to get laid this year. Hell, I'm going to be a... uh... what do you call a straight man who's a slut? Whatever it is, that's what I'm going to try to be. It's been so long I think I qualify as a pre-owned virgin. No idea how I'm going to make it work, being underemployed after mental health issues came to a head a few years ago and ended my good career, and still living in the same house as my cheating ex who denied me sex for years before I caught her, claiming she was in too much pain from various medical conditions.

But I'll find a way. I've been as horny lately as I was when I was a teenager. Who would have thought a man my age could jerk off thirteen times in three days? First I have to find a willing, clean, disease free woman for the first time in well over ten years. Perhaps I'll download one of those apps like my ex did. Should be a piece of cake, right? All women are just waiting for a perverted, balding, out of shape, desperate old man, right?

Right?

Bueller?

Bueller?