i posted this on sissyology but i honestly just want reassurance so i'm reposting it here lol

being a sissy makes me feel dysphoric.

i'm a transgender girl who doesn't know when she's going on hrt (hopefully in the next two weeks.....) so i've been getting back into the sissy kink to find alternate ways to masturbate that can alleviate my bottom dysphoria.

i'm so obsessed with the idea of turning my penis limp and turning it into a clit and getting pleasure in the same way a cis girl would by rubbing hers. i can make peace with my clitty and i don't want srs so i figured in the past week it was worth a shot!

first i tried proning. it sounded easy enough and it looked like a way to not get erect so i tried it! no matter what, my clitty would get erect. i'd always keep waiting for it to get flaccid then try again, but it kept getting erect. eventually i said "fuck it" and tried it while being erect but nothing's happened and i can't even climax. so many sissies can climax with no preparation by humping and i can't even dk that?

second i tried hypno. it worked a little! but i can't focus whenever it's a video, and audio files are... weird. either it's too little (yes mistress, i'm a girl with an oversized clit. i've known that for years.) or too much (i don't want to lose iq points). for the too much side of the scale, i'm mainly talking about bambi sleep, since they're one of the few free files i found. i'm a firm believer that hypno is a placebo effect and i'm worried if i go on it i'll genuinely lose iq because of my bimbo fantasies. so i'm stuck with mistress humiliating my clitty because idk how else to get it limp and get an hfo ☹️

last, earlier today, i tried chastity. i failed so badly. my balls (60mm) were too big for the (50mm) ring, which made me incredibly dysphoric. i could literally slip it off! then my foreskin kept creeping through the pee hole and when i tried pulling it back (which i rarely do) my tip looked really red. eventually i just gave up.

what started as a way to try and explore my sexuality to tide me over until i get hrt ended as just another source of dysphoria. so many sissies on here are passing and on hrt, some went on it as early as 15! sometimes it feels like i'll never pass, i'll never look like a real woman. it feels like 18 is too late. and that those girls lucky enough to go on hrt early and get d cups and hips are at a level i'll never reach.

and so many sissy sites say stuff like "if you don't wear panties and feminine clothes and don't shave and aren't able to hfo then you're not a real sissy and you aren't dedicated enough" i would if i wasn't dysphoric and depressed!!!!!!! i understand they're just talking about gender transition through a kinky lens but now i just feel like i'm neither a woman or a sissy. i feel like i'm just a male crossdresser who'll never be a real girl.

sorry for the long rant, just the mix of failing at being a sissy and being unsure about when i'm getting a sperm bank appointment (and by extension hrt) is just making me really frustrated. i want advice but i don't know what advice i want.