The feeling you feel when you feel yourself becoming unhinged is a feeling like no other. A dazed clarity sweeps over you and lulls you into such an captivating trance, transforming what was once a place of order and rationality into a slow churning whirlpool of all your senses as they one by one betray you, leaving you delirious yet coherent at the same time, an unresponsive self driven force of energy, stark raving mad.

I’ve encountered this emotion before but not in the same sense as I felt it tonight. The amphetamines and caffeine combined with the Benzos and sleep deprivation began to pull at the strings that kept what lies beneath tied down in the darkest recess of my mind. I was met with urges for... something... but it was to far out of my grasp to comprehend what it was. One might feel the same way while chasing a particular high or emotional trip, always getting close but never quite figuring out what it was in the first place. My girlfriend slept in my bed not ten feet from where I was sitting yet it may have been a thousand. The feelings I had for her situation were uncanny. Concern wasn’t foremost as empathy took over sending me into a state of apprehension, not knowing how to help an individual in this situation- let alone the individual you’re supposed to be in love with. What I had felt for her was something else, possibly the beginning of love but also disgust and annoyance though they were quickly snuffed out by the perseverance of my will to find happiness. I could adapt to many scenarios, what made this one any different?

As she slept, awaiting a gut wrenching fate come the morning, I sat awake contemplating the situation I had fallen into. There was no coming out of it unscathed, so the goal was to incite as little damage as possible. Bridges can’t be burned while you still walk upon them. And while that goal may seem impossible, the budding mentality of a schizoaffective sociopath with nothing to lose can be very optimistic. After all, disaster means nothing to such a man. In an attempt to stimulate my thoughts I switched my sights onto myself, and how id like to handle the coming day. Immediately met with fear and anxiety, a small rage gave way as the monotony of these emotions began taking their toll. “How long can this persist?” I ask myself. Surely if you place enough people on a bridge, the bridge will eventually collapse resulting in a gruesome tragedy. I think of how many people must be on my bridge, and how close it is to crumbling. And further more, what lies beneath its support beams.

As my mind shifts through it’s gears as if trying to understand an ever changing equation, my body yearns for rest. I know soon my mind will to, and relying on amphetamines to stay conscious will be a necessity. With a full day of the unknown ahead, charging into it half mad seemed most appropriate. Fight the unknown with more unknown and the result is utter chaos. In that instance, when the two possibilities meet, all law and order ceases to exist in a beautiful clash of two extreme possibilities. They collide, the reaction something no man nor god could have ever predicted, and then as quickly as it had started, it ends. Life returns to normal as order is restored now that the anomaly is over. But it’s never really over is it.

It fades into the background, disguising itself as destiny or fate. Convincing people that their suffering is not in vain when in reality the pain they bear is nothing more than unforeseen and unpredictable circumstances sneaking up on them from the shadows, claiming more and more minds, growing an army of sorts. When enough people believe in something, it becomes real. Or at least as close to real as bullshit will ever get. But when enough people don’t believe, and don’t have a something, that’s when truth begins to blossom. And it’s in that truth that we find the seeds of disorder waiting to be planted so that they can spread their twisted roots throughout the earth, slowly accomplishing the agenda they’ve had since the dawn of time.

The truth was made to set you free. To open your eyes and allow you to see past the fog and into the sea, only to find there is nothing there. The truth is meant to release you from your convictions and moral shackles so you can become the driver of your own destiny. Chaos becomes a friendly weather as the great truth of the universe expands your mind until you can understand everything. You’re in control. The world is not. It’s simply a raging river, who’s purpose is to capsize your canoe so you drown in its icy depths. By setting yourself free, you learn how to swim.