Assalamualaikum, I’m posting this on here because I’m a Shia and idk where else to empty my heart out as I’m just an emotional mess right now. I’m honestly so confused about where do I even begin so please be patient with me.

So I am practicing Shia man basically in my mid 20s in the west, I haven’t a had a gf nor do I have any female friends in real life. I spend majority of my time working, taking care of my family, going to mosque, doing tahajjud and gym/just joined boxing. I’ve alhamdulillah been blessed with the opportunity to visit Mecca and the do the Ziyarats of the 14 masoomeens too.

Okay so my rant starts here:

Ever since I’ve done my pilgrimage and Ziyarats, I’ve started soo many issues such as, loosing all of my friends online and in the mosque and I’ve not got any genuine friend now whatsoever. I’m single and been looking to get married for years but since the marriage has become a mission impossible these days I can’t even do that and my urges/desires have also intensified to what I feel like 100x more. I’m having family issues (as in having to deal with my siblings issues since I’m the oldest), financial issues and most importantly sexual issues alongside many many other issues. I’ve gotten to the stage where I now either want to die or just screw it and get together with a girl. I know Allah tests everyone but I swear I’m becoming depressed and crying myself to sleep because of how hard it’s getting for me to the point that I’ve even started going to online places looking for females now, fortunately or unfortunately I’m only attracted to Muslim girls so none of these other girls will even make my heart race so as a result I haven’t found anyone myself yet.

However, that also pisses me off beyond words as I love Pakistani and Arab girls and my friends are the ones who in all fairness are a bit less attractive than me and yet how some ended up getting them. One of my friend that I don’t talk now got together with a bunch of Arab girls and had sex with them, I’m not jealous of him having sex but of the fact he had an Arab girl. Another friend married an Arab girl that i genuinely had a crush on her and wanted to get together with her. Other white friend of mine went and got together with also a bunch of Pakistani girls (I don’t talk to any of these people now). Everything that I have wanted has been taken from me so all of these built up emotions and stresses of how I’ll marry or take care of my family, work, social life etc has resulted in an explosive and overwhelming desire, need and attention for a companion. So now I’m actively looking for a female to either become gf and bf in order to or just sleep with her or become gf/bf to marry. Honestly it’s worse than how I’ve explained but I just idk how to properly express my feelings and emotions into words right now. So someone please help and tell me what to do as it stands I might just fall into zina at this rate.

Edit: my built up frustration also comes from the fact that I’ve basically sacrificed my life since 2012 for my family and yet I’m not appreciated by my siblings. The only thing that’s keeping me going is my love and respect for my mother otherwise I’d have long gone my own way and god knows what other things might’ve happened