Looking for some advice on weathering some recent spiritual turmoil I’ve been experiencing.

35 yo (gay) male on a spiritual path for a year now, accelerated following my first time sitting with plant medicine in January. I’ve since been attuned to Reiki level 1 and deepened my meditation practice. I also largely ceased using any drugs and alcohol and made big strides limiting previously compulsive behaviors and felt I was actively healing from what I would consider mild/moderate ADHD, OCD, and anxiety.

I recently attended a mantra meditation retreat to properly become initiated into using Sanskrit mantas, which I felt drawn to. My spiritual awakening had been largely driven by an interest in Vedic philosophy/Shivaism. I found it to be a powerful and challenging experience, but didn’t feel any spiritual progress until the 2nd to last day, when, after the afternoon meditation and initiation into the MMJ mantra, I had an experience of nondual awareness that mirrored a (although much less intensely) a previously near “ego death” experience on plant medicine. Profound and beautiful.

However, later that night, as I was drifting off to sleep, I had an experience that felt like a vision or very vivid nightmare of a dark presence or demon figure beckoning towards me and touching me. Even though it was limited to my mind space (I did not actually “see” the figure in “normal” reality or hear voices as a I understand someone with psychosis would), it was terrifying. I eventually fell asleep.

I spoke to the teacher about it the next day and he told me this can happen when you open the heart, that he sees that my channels are open, that the mantras can be a way to anchor yourself during these kinds of difficult mental experiences, cleansed me with palo santo (in addition to his guru in India, he also works with the medicine through a native Brazilian shaman lineage) and suggested to stay grounded as possible.

Since then, I have a not had a direct repeat of this experience, but I do have what I would consider flashbacks as well as a general sense of heightened anxiety, dread, and fear. All my senses feel heightened.

I am doing grounding, meditating, staying sober, and trying to just be present with these feelings/thoughts/images without resisting, judging, or catastrophizing that I’m possessed or cursed. My regular psychotherapist suggests this is a repressed part of myself—the shadow—that I need to learn to accept. I am also receiving reiki.

My intuition tells me I need to process and work with this presence or shadow, but I have a day job and generally don't feel like I have the time or space to go deeper into this right at this very moment. I’m also terrified that doing this work incorrectly or prematurely will lead to actual psychosis. But I’m not sure how to best prepare myself to face all this head on.

Looking for feedback, constructive advice or perhaps guidance from someone who’s had a similar experience. Politely requesting those with snarky or judgmental comments to withhold them.