Aside from earlier this year, this month has by far, been the worst month ever!!! I have been going through the absolute most, from conducting myself around undesirables just to have some company around and not be totally alone, to doing some pretty stupid things that I wouldn’t ever do otherwise but I am bipolar 1 and have bpd, so my behaviors are chaotic and can from one thing to something else that even I can’t understand at times. I say all this to say it’s totally affecting my money I’m obviously manic right now because I will stay out for hours on end into the next morning at times and don’t break shit. Simply because I don’t even try. It’s like I’m in a daze or some shit. I’m sure my moms death contributes to it and the immense amount of stress I’m under having to care for my two disabled brothers and my 12 y/o sister all by myself with little to no assistance. So this lifestyle I rely on. But during times like this when my mental health is off I’m literally disassociated from myself and I’ll do promiscuous things with guys I never would in my clear state of mind — FOR FREE. It’s been about 3 this far Smfh. Then I’ve been encountering some of the most demonic, disrespectful and hateful men. This is what I attract in this state. It’s awful. Doesn’t make it better that my mom’s 1 year is today. I hate she’s gone. She always knew what to say! I just pray today I can shake this fucked up energy because when I do I break consistently. But I feel like something or someone is leeching off of my energy. Like a siphoning in a way. Anyone relate?