Hello my online family, yes in a way I do consider y'all family though I'm anonymous it's quite freeing to have an outlet such as this one❤️‍🩹 anyways -- I HAVE THE WORST SELF SABOTAGE SYNDROME!!! Not only that but I constantly pick the shittiest people to conduct myself around and end up picking up their habits, and energy and wonder why shit don't be going the way it should. Lately, I've been hanging with a guy who's basically a homeless, gambling addict, coke dealer coke head who at first was hella cool, I met him last summer at the bar & would help him out with rides a couple times. But he was generous and would give me like $50 or whatever. So I was like cool, back then I didn't realize he was practically room to room homeless or assed out on the streets homeless up until recently.

I've been using my ID to help him get rooms every other night and I've also given him a few dollars and bought food a few times, and he's done so also but now it's getting to the point that everytime we hang out I don't make money I sit there and gamble and drink all night with him and then would have to sit around and wait for him to sell coke to get more money which he in turns gambles. This has gone on like nearly a month now.

I've even started doing coke with him -- I won't lie I have tried it in the past but it was never my thing, I never liked it but lately I just feel like it has to do with the company I'm around, the temptation and my lack of control or discernment when I'm around people who don't hold my best interest.

Thankfully with the coke it's something I can let go of easily like I had a bag from him but it smelled weird and I got a bad feeling, he was telling me that I looked tired and if I had wanted a line so I agreed but I didn't feel it at all!!! So I threw the shit away and told him I had to go this morning.

Like everytime I'm around him, shit goes left. Then on top of that I lost my damn job this morning because on Wednesday I was supposed to be there but lied and said I had a dentist appt and they decided to let me go this morning. So I'm fucking angry about that!

Out of all days I didn't make shit last night but $100 & that's only because I took this trick who came up to me offering $500 to this quick motel to date and once we got the room he started tryna tell me he would give me the money after from the atm so i get up and we struggle a bit because he was still trying to grope me and put his nasty ass mouth on me smh, all while I'm telling him to stop like no money no honey so I wind up getting out of that safely thank God and his coked out ass left and kept the deposit from the front desk But wtf is 100 dollars smfh

Im sooooo angry at myself!!!! Idk wtf is wrong with me like I have serious issues