Hey ladies, sorry to flood but I truly need to vent and have no 304 friends in real life to talk too. Not that I would want to, because I hate the idea of trauma dumping but my chest literally can't take holding everything in anymore. So in advance I hope I don't come off as doing so. Anyways friends, I am incredibly depressed, broken, spiritually fragile and the likes. I'm beginning to wonder if getting into this lifestyle was a mistake. It's crazy because no man turned me out, in a way I turned myself out. I would see all of my HS bullies turn into 304's and strippers by 17 & I was completely allured by it. And even envied those girls. Until I became apart of the life at the age of 22 after losing my cocktail job on the strip....

Seems like after that my life has easily spiraled out of control, not to mention I was in a long term very toxic, highly traumatic, deeply painful narcissistic abusive relationship where I was coerced into utterly hating myself and dimming my own light by allowing the heinous things I did.

And here I am at 28, with two kids currently going through a terrible custody battle with the narc -- who omg he will be another story on another day, but who's making my life a living hell. Telling my 10 and 5 year old that I'm a prostitute, a drug addict, crazy and so many other terrible things. I feel worn out. Out of fight. I just feel depleted. I hate that most of my 20's went to trauma, pain, addiction and hopelessness. I hate that I became a mother before I ever decided to or learned how to heal.

Every night I go out I feel convicted to stop, but somehow I still go out in hopes I'll come across that 4-5 digit trick again only to be low balled.

I don't know what it is. On top of all this still terribly grieving my mom and grandma who raised me. I'm just at a complete loss.

I don't know why I thought this would be a good idea, maybe I'm not cut out for this life after all....