So my life has been in shambles and the only thing stopping me from hurting myself has been a girl ive found.

I have sexual trauma that makes it hard for me to get in the mood and function. So I am not wanting sex

First time I seen her was at a meetup. Second time I just wanted held and kissed on the cheek while we watched a movie. She loves arcades so im thinking about teaching her to play pinball for the next date. Or maybe have her come along to a movie theatre with me or something

So im not delusional, I know this is similar to a client / therapist relationship - It will end when I stop sending money. But for now its keeping me from harming myself. The thing about therapy is that I have trauma from therapists and therapy doesnt work for me. What is working for me better than therapy is this girl helping me feel like I even fucking exist and am worthy of human connection. I dont want a therapist to give me coping mechanisms they read in a textbook, I want to feel like a fucking human being

Ive felt like a ghost, a failure, worthless, i dont have any friends, I have an accounting degree but am delivering pizzas atm, my room is a disaster because i dont care about myself, ive been self harming, coming up with suicide plans, etc.

So yeah im not delusional about this relationship, but it is really helping me at the moment