I (24f) found a dom (24m) in my area into the same exact kind of kink as me. I tend to read into things too much and too quickly my whole life so I feel that I can be an unreliable narrator to my own story in general. I feel that ultimately I was used by him, but there is a small part of me that wants to believe that maybe I caused his reaction to me. I often ponder if my behaviors caused me to lose someone’s interest vs if this was never going to work out in my favor.

Three years ago we met on FetLife. We chatted, and I was receiving some pretty good praise and breadcrumbs from someone who finally shared a similar interest. At the time, I was seeing many different people at any given time. I was an alcoholic and had a coke problem…but only when a toxic situationship was supplying me with it. I happened to have met him off Fetlife too, but he’s a different type of manipulative asshole than the guy I am writing the post about.

Then, I come across him again on Discord. He acts like he’s never interacted with me on Fetlife, so I do the same, despite having a pretty niche kink and being in the same area, and me probably sending the same faceless pictures as before like we are on Grindr. (I’m a straight woman, this is how I imagine Grindr) In hindsight, maybe he was testing my reactions for further manipulation? Or maybe acting too cool? I suppose I did so too.

Then this time, we agreed to meet up. Now, I dropped -180 lbs, as in I dropped the toxic dom who supplied me with coke. However, I didn’t quite drop the powder habit. I supplied myself with drugs like a grown up girl.

On our first meet up, I pregamed the encounter with a few bumps and a shot of Pink Whitney. We meet at a restaurant. He’s carrying a hockey bag nonchalantly. He was better looking in person than in his photos.

He eats. I drink a cocktail. Then he pays. It’s time for the scene.

Ok so I need to now keep a red flag tally between me and him. In my tally chart, I am including what I think are my red flags. On his red flags chart, he ran into some “pink” flag situations before I agreed to meet him for dinner. In short, he texted me from a fake number, I called his ass out, he then tells me his real name so that I can look him up.

We purposefully picked a place within walking distance of my place, but he hadn’t been to my place nor knew my address. He starts darting in front of me and then walks quickly to remain a few paces ahead. In hindsight, I remember watching a docuseries about Jeffrey Epstein, it mentioned he would always walk in front of the younger women he was with…. Back to the story, I call out to him, “you know where you’re going?” He offers to get an Uber but we’re too close. I feel as if I can maybe give him a pass for walking so fast because he was trying to put on a “dominant mode” after he ate his manly supper…? Nah, I’m reading into this way too much; he didn’t want to be seen in public with the girl he met off Fet/Discord. He made sure to walk far enough ahead of me all the way while I directed him from behind.

Then we go inside. I “freshen up my nose” and get ready to play with him for the first time. Now, this person may never have touched drugs, but a part of me thinks he is intelligent enough to figure out that I was a little high on coke. On the other hand, I think I was known by addict friends for being discreet. Being discreet with other addicts isn’t the best benchmark on the planet. If he knew I was on drugs and he was sober, I think the context of this entire encounter would borderline more than him just ghosting me.

Soo, after the scene, I request to follow him on social media. Like most people in this century. He blocks me. I confront him. He acts as if he doesn’t know how to unblock someone and has me literally step by step explain how to follow me back. That was very humiliating and cruel of him, typing this out loud. If you know how to block someone, you definitely know how to unblock someone :(

Blame it on his wealth, blame it on my lack of self-health; I still attempted to keep the conversation alive here and there after I taught him how to follow me back. Ultimately, I was ghosted. Then he unfollowed me.

I guess did I deserve to be ghosted for being an alcoholic mess on our first encounter? I was lead to believe big fairy tale endings over our text messages. Or, does he purposefully pick girls like me because I he knows he can easily become my favorite person that I am seeing at any given time because he knows no other man understands the complexity of our kink like he does?

Red Flag Chart

My red flags: - I drink and do drugs without my telling my date before we met; and secretly was doing so while on the date. - I am too perfect for everyone now that I quit drugs and drinking heavily. - Ok, I do tend to go quickly from guy to guy without giving it a break when things don’t work out.

His red flags: - Acting like he didn’t know me from before, despite our kink being kinda niche. Like how many others are there like me that was as close to you? Because the amount of doms I find into what I’m into is slim. - Texts me from an unverified phone number, as in I cannot reverse look him up. I give him a little pass for being important already in his career. - He first tells me over Fetlife and Discord a fake name. I give a slight pass, again for being of importance already at his age. But on the other hand, I think he only reason he told me his actual name before the date was because I told him over text that I didn’t trust the number he was sending me texts from. Needed to be able to Google him before any meet ups. (Yes, I verified every person’s number I got off vanilla dating apps too. I know it’s pathological in hindsight, a serial killer has to call people too) -He deliberately needs to stay a few steps in front of me in public despite he himself not knowing where he is “leading” me. -Potentially could’ve used my drug addiction to further intensify the scene, putting me at risk for him to get his rocks off. - He humiliated me with his social media antics; blocking me then having me explain over text, with screenshots, on how to unblock me. - Idk if he thought I was genuinely that dumb or he knew my self esteem was low enough to keep pursuing him after. I mean if he banked on the latter, he was right.

It’s been some time since he ghosted me. I know he won’t shoot straight with me, or any woman ever; I want to know if he simply just turned cold on me when he learned my vices or if he’s just an asshole who serially picks women on my mental caliber for some sick validation. It enrages me that he could have known I was on drugs during the scene, and he used that knowledge to push me further than I would have if I hadn’t been.

It’s men like him and my ex that make my dating history so much like an HBO show and not in a good way. Just because I have a fetish, doesn’t mean I want to be treated like a Samantha. I know who I am now, and I’m a Charlotte.