So I've never posted on Reddit before and don't know the best way to go about it. But I'm looking for some help.

My husband and I have been together for 11 years. Before we met, I was rather promiscuous but carried a lot of shame around it. The reason for that is still a bit unclear but I know I felt unworthy of an exclusive relationship since nobody ever persued one with me. Also, every time I met a guy I assumed he wanted to sleep with me so that's always what happened.

When I met my husband, I was drunk but he didn't attempt to be physical with me and then he texted me the next day and treated me like more than just some one night stand. So obviously I fell in love with him ha.

Anyway, I come to find out I was his first. We were 20 at the time. In learning this, I think I felt inferior to him like I was dirty. He was this respectable guy who waited to meet the right person and I was "used goods". Our entire relationship I had him on a pedestal. I was so lucky to have him and I better do everything I can to keep him.

Unfortunately, my relationship around sex never improved. I would dread the mention of sex and often would dissociate during because I felt female desire was slutty. Unless alcohol disinhibited me, I approached sex with a lot of anxiety just thinking it was for my husband and I better perform for him. Obviously that was exhausting and it became harder and harder to do.

My husband never knew I felt this way until I finally shared it with him last year. Since then we have been struggling because I broke his trust in me

Now I am working towards trying to be comfortable with initiating sex and being a sexual being but it is extremely hard. I get so embarrassed and can't talk about sex easily. My husband tries to ask what good things I can think of regarding our last sexual interaction and I can barely think of any. If I am able to think of something, it almost kills me to have to say it out loud.

All of this to say, I really really struggle with accepting sex is okay for me to want as a woman which makes it hard to know what I want or what I like. I'm looking for exercises and different perspectives to try and feel less shameful and embarrassed around sex and begin to be the sexual being I can be when I am intoxicated. Because that is fun!

But I don't want to have to rely on alcohol to do it. Also, we've tried sensate which was helpful but not a cure-all. I've done things as silly as just looking him in the eye and saying "naughty" or sexual words which in itself has been hard but is getting easier. All and any suggestions welcome!

And so sorry this is a novel.

TLDR: I'm a married woman who is working with her husband to try and be more comfortable being a sexual person with sexual desires and learning and discussing those wants with my husband. Any suggestions in achieving this is greatly appreciated.