I am a 22m student, studying computer science. I'm unsure whether my perspective is askew or perhaps not. I have a lot of internalized grief about sex and my position on it, but I've never really had a safe space to discuss.

As I said, I'm a student, meaning that I'm not necessarily isolated since I live on a college campus. I’ve also been in relationships and I'm not entirely inexperienced, but there's no lack of anxiety about the subject for me. In my personal life, I spend most time between the gym, classes, and a cafe that I try to go to, but I generally don't talk to many folks because it can be very stressful. In secret, I'm actually very keen to have a partner and active sex life. I really enjoy learning about the subject and exploring ideas.

With all that in mind, I have a laundry list as big as my arm of things I want to explore. I'm probably a dominant switch (I think), so most kinks fall under that ‘tendency’, for lack of a better word. Unfortunately, the first big limiter to healthy lifestyle has been my trust in others. I find myself being possessive of a partner and need to back off instead of engaging with them. Many of my kinks involve investing in long term subtly sexual activities instead of one-and-done ideas. One relevant fantasy might be a general free use time in the evenings, perhaps being extra close, playful, and explorative while we watch a movie/show each night. I don't just mean in a vanilla way. In fact, there are too many ways i’d love to expand on this. To me, this doesnt seem unhealthy, but… the catch is that I enjoy the exploitative part of this. I like giving anal, tying someone down, breath play, and I've even been curious toward CNC. I have fantasized about having a relationship where we trust each other to push soft boundaries healthfully. I'm very inexperienced in these things, but I find most pleasure from trying them slowly, deliberately, but with an emphasis on pushing small boundaries by trying something new. With that is where my first question or AITA moment arises. In general, this is a really contradictory idea. I’ve never asked a partner about this, because it seems legit to assume that this is unhealthy behavior. How would you do BDSM/CNC play with someone who likes the idea that its new and scary for you both? My second area of concern is with myself. For experienced folks, is this interest something that they found led to an unhealthy partnership? Even if I attempt to explore this type of thing, the number of potential partners dwindles very fast. I imagine that it could be extremely hard to find someone who aspires toward the same adventurous behaviors w/o running into trouble. I consider an exemplary model of poor mental health. I’ve depression, ADHD, and trust issues which have interfered in my sex life before. The more I consider looking for a partner, I continue to worry if this would be a destructive lifestyle choice. First and foremost, I've never found a safe place to discuss so something like this. Has a sex positive lifestyle ever affected you poorly? Should I avoid looking for a safe space and a partner like this, as someone who struggles making acquaintances and with self-image?

I’m going to convince myself that I’m afreak for the next couple hours 😭, but i’ll check tomorrow or perhaps later today. Apologies in advance if what i’m saying is problematic. I’lllimely try some seperate communities to see about different feedback. If there is an issue, please let me know and this will be taken down promptly.