In short: I'm a 19m, struggle with mental health, and have some childhood lore (not the worst but not the best)

One of the many things my parents psychological messed with me for the rest of my life is religious sexual shame. I was physically punished and/or called degtading/insulting things/labels for looking at porn, having sexual attraction, desire to have sex, and speaking against calling sex workers/pornstars derogatory terms like slut, whores, or "something is just wrong with them in the head". They never gave me any kind of sex ed, or puberty talk. Just aren't supposed to talk about sex it's a behind closed doors thing and very taboo. I found God on my own and pursued Christianity on my ambition, but was told similar things of what my parents told me. I'm lustful, need to control my lust. Porn and masturbation are soely sinful, and need to pray and discipline myself to overcome that sinful temptation from the devil.

In early childhood I experienced cocsa (parents knew and didn't do much) and porn exposure. Along the way when I was 14, seeking therapy for depression related to chemotherapy treatment, I was prescribed by appointed therapist to masturbate.

I'm very sexually insecure (due to my small size and not looking that appealing in general), I'm very sexually confused/shamed, and extremely sexually frustrated and want to loose my virginity.

Any advice, encouragement, or questions are most welcome. Thanks🖤