It's taken me 30 years to finally reach the breaking point of making an effort to dig deep within myself, iron out my self-worth, what brings me shame and why. I still have much to learn, and a lot of practice ahead of me. This side of me is not something I want to keep buried any longer. I want to learn to be comfortable in my sexuality, to be able to explore and share it with others. I find that my current paralysis lies with not knowing where to start, and from what direction to approach this.

I've always had a "people-pleaser" mentality as a product of my upbringing, but I'm now learning that it's been a shield I've used to seek validation. In practicing this, I've successfully buried a lot of myself, including my positive outlook on sexual endeavors of myself, or others. I feel deep guilt and shame that I have put others down in the past in the means of retaining superficial friendships. I know I have been part of the problem.

Deep down, I've never cared that some people wanted to go somewhere and play Spin The Bottle, or go skinny dipping, or go have a quickie before coming back to the group, or make out right next to me, or talk about their sexual experiences openly, or keep their pleasured moans unsilenced. The truth is, I was envious that I couldn't be part of that group. The "friends" I had selected thought this was all unacceptable behaviour, and like a good follower, I played the role for my own acceptance. This is not to blame my old "friends", this was is my own fault. I often felt less than a suitable man because of my small body, my uncircumsized penis, my inability to be a bedroom "alpha", amongst other things. Rumors got out in highschool that I got my girlfriend at the time pregnant even though there was no logical way that could have happened, which in turn brought more shame and guilt for having explored sexuality in the first place.

In accepting that I'm not perfect, I don't want to be ashamed anymore. I masturbate often with the goal of edging and drawing out the moment with no rush to reach the finish line. I love reading stories of people learning about themselves and awaking their own sexuality. I want to know what it's like to hang out with a group of like-minded individuals, to have fun together, without expectations. I want to know what it's like to film content. I want to know what it's like to spoil someone. I want to see what a poly-relationship is like. I want to explore fantasies with others. I just don't know where to start.

How do I go about finding local groups? Are there discords I can join? Do I visit a sex club as a single male and fight through the awkwardness of not having anyone to go with? Are they any books that would help me on my journey? Do I make a matchmaking profile and get buried alongside every other guy that's "just trying to hookup"? I enjoy the idea of group-based activities, with zero experience in them. Any mentorship is much appreciated, and thank you for making it this far into this post that went way longer than I anticipated.