I see A LOT of posts on Reddit made by people who are struggling because they haven’t had sex yet. I want to share my story, to hopefully encourage a couple of people here.

Before I say anything else, I want to say I get it. I understand. I empathize with all the pain and frustration and feelings of missing out, and somehow not being “worthy” of having these experiences that it seems like so many people are having. And I know it sucks, and feels miserable at times.

Please know that whatever your situation is, you’re not alone. The fact that there are so many of these posts on Reddit proves that. There is nothing wrong with you. Please also know that your situation CAN change. In fact, if you set your mind to it, your situation almost certainly WILL change, even if it takes a little time and effort.

With that said, here’s my story. If it helps even one person, than I’ll consider my mission accomplished here.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been an anxious person. (Not surprising, it turns out I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. And OCD. Shocker!)

As a kid, I didn’t do some of the things other kids did. I took fewer risks. I was more fearful about things like getting hurt, and getting in trouble. I never wanted anything bad to happen, and I was convinced that if I stepped a TOE out of line, then a catastrophe would happen, My parents were great. They’re loving, good people. But they also never did much to discourage this attitude of fear, probably because they are anxious people too.

As I grew older, my fears about some things subsided. But other fears grew larger, or took a deeper hold. And in my case, one of my biggest fears became sex.

My parents never talked about sex. All of the “education” I received on that topic came from my conservative religious school and it’s abstinence only messaging. As an anxious person, I took all of that fear based messaging to heart. The fear of STIs, unplanned pregnancy, moral condemnation, and on and on.

As a young guy, sex became an emotional contradiction. It was something I desperately wanted to experience, but was terrified of trying. What if something bad happened? So, I was abstinent. Because as much as I wanted to experience sex, the fear of consequences was just too much, And because I was abstinent, and afraid of admitting that to anyone, I didn’t date either. Because I knew if I was to date someone, sex would inevitably come up. I didn’t know how to explain that fear to another person. And, I was frankly ashamed of it too. While my friends were having sex, I was in a prison of my own making. This was particularly excruciating my first semester living on a college campus, literally hearing people having sex around me.

As time went on, I decided I did want to have sex, I just had to make sure things were “right.” I had to find the right partner, use protection, and make sure we were both tested. While these are all great things, looking back now, I realize the flaw in this plan was that I wasn’t looking for a partner, I was looking for a checklist. I was trying to find the perfect partner who would eliminate any doubt or anxiety I had regarding sex. This kind of mindset, combined with a healthy dose of social anxiety, held me back for a few more years. It all became this big, tangled mess in my mind. Almost a circular loop. I was anxious, so I didn’t talk to women. I didn’t talk to women, because that might lead to sex. I couldn’t have sex unless I met the perfect partner. I couldn’t meet the perfect partner, because I didn’t talk to women. Etc etc etc. So that was my experience through most of my 20s. Trying to ride things out, hoping that the “perfect” woman would fall into my lap, and somehow things would change. But eventually, I got tired of waiting. And tired of being afraid. Exhausted actually. So I decided I had to do SOMETHING to try and “fix” my problem.

I decided to go to therapy. And it helped a lot. I learned about myself, and learned why I felt so anxious, and how that played into so many aspects of my life, including sex. After having a positive experience with my first therapist, I decided to see a specialist for sex therapy. I started to let go of some of my fear, and embraced the idea that just maybe, I could have sex.

By the way, a couple of the things I learned? Young people these days are waiting longer to have sex. There’s even a significant number of students in graduate degree programs who want to specialize in sex therapy who haven’t had sex yet. This blew my mind, Another thing? That generally, having sex carries less risk than driving a car. For someone who was terrified of sex, this was incredible to learn,

I finally began letting go of my fear, and started to take meaningful steps towards building the life (and sex life) I wanted. In my case, this meant going to singles events, talking to women, educating myself about sex, reading a lot, and continually letting go of fear and embracing small risks.

This is a process that I had been going through for about 6 months. And while that’s not a short amount of time, to go from a lifetime of fear, to embracing the idea of having a sex life in less than a year felt amazing.

The best part is, it all paid off. I lost my virginity several weeks ago to an absolutely amazing woman. Someone kind, cool, fun, and sexy. Someone who also was much more experienced, but didn’t judge me for my inexperience. Instead, she made it fun for me. A literal lifetime of anxiety disappeared, and I was able to enjoy losing my virginity with the kind of woman I may have fantasized about in the past, but never necessarily believed I would share a sexual experience with,

Since then, I’ve been tested (and everything is fine) I’ve continued my relationship with the woman I lost my virginity to, and I’ve even connected with a couple of other sexual partners. (Ethically I might add. As of right now, I’m single and exploring my sexual side with other people who are not looking for committed monogamous relationships.)

There was a part of me that never thought this would happen. But it has.

And I promise, I’m not special. I’m an average looking guy. I’m on the shorter side. There’s nothing remarkable about me. The only thing I can say is that I didn’t totally give up on myself. I embraced the idea of taking small risks, and trying to pursue what I wanted. I was honest and upfront about my situation, and tried to put my best foot forward. And to my surprise, it worked.

So, just some closing thoughts here. It’s not too late for anyone. I lost my virginity at 28. And if I had lost it at 38, it still wouldn’t have been too late, because it still happened.

If you feel you’re “not good enough” for someone, talk to them anyway. You might be really surprised how things go.

A couple of books I would recommend to anyone who might be interested are “Getting It: A guide to hot, healthy hookups and shame free sex” by Allison Moon and “The Guide to Getting it On” by Paul Joannides

Don’t give up on yourself. Pursue what you want. Embrace (tolerable) risk. Ask for help, from professionals and your potential partners. And when you DO have sex, enjoy it!!! You have a lifetime of more great sexual experiences ahead of you!

I hope this helps someone. Truly.