CW: discussion of physical abuse and sexual coercion

Already posted this to r/sex and didn't get a single comment so I'm hoping I'll get some advice on how to handle this in a sex positive way here.

Hey folks! I could use some advice, or even a sympathetic ear.

Partner and I are both 30 and nonbinary. We're in a committed polyamorous partnership. They have another partner whom I don't know very well. I currently don't have other partners and am hibernating from the dating world until spring rolls around. We've been together for just over a year. We do not cohabitate.

When we do have sex, it's fantastic. We have similar kinks and interests. Even when we aren't fucking, the chemistry is fire. Which, for me, is part of the problem.

I want them all the time. I've always had a high sex drive. Even when I dated cishet men, I was the one who wanted sex more. That period in the beginning of every relationship when you're fucking like rabbits for hours upon hours every time you see each other? That desire doesn't diminish for me the way it seems to for other people. I could and would fuck like that every day.

My partner is different. We're both low wage workers with demanding jobs, but theirs is more physical labor, so their body is often in pain. They have a fairly recent history with a partner who was sexually coercive and physically abusive. She'd throw a fit when they didn't want to fuck her and if she didn't get physical with them, she just pestered them over and over again until they said yes just to get it over with.

With that kind of history, it's difficult for my partner to sort out what their baseline is. But they often tell me they want to have more sex, they want to be in the mood more or be open to me getting them in the mood, but they're in their head, or just can't get there for one reason or another.

I get stressed by my job and money problems too, but for me, sex has always been a point of relief. It's a lovely escape from the daily grind. For them, sex - from talking about it to doing it - can be a stressor all on its own, doubly so if they're already stressed about other things, in pain, and/or tired.

I've gotten a lot better at being an easier person to say No to, and reassuring them it's not a big deal when they don't want to fuck, and I'm not upset. I don't tell them when I'm disappointed but they know I am anyway. I try to just suggest a different activity and move on so we don't linger on it.

The thing is, it's not as if no sex is happening. We'll have crazy hot kinky sex for maybe 1-3 weeks max. And then it'll be "off season" for 1-3 months where we're either not having sex or having vanilla sex infrequently.

I hate that I can see it coming from a mile away. During the "on season" it feels like I'm finally able to come out of my cage. We're sending nudes, sexting, flirting all the time. I can be my full fledged sexual self without worrying about whether it makes them feel pressured, because they're just as into it as I am..

And then they get stressed, or they run out of stamina, and I know it's gonna be another month or three of putting our sex life back into a box on the shelf because just me flirtatiously suggesting sex when they're already stressed will add pressure to the situation. It feels like I have to reign in my sexual expression. I feel stifled again.

I could totally go out and nail some strangers if I wanted to, but I don't. I'm demisexual. One night stands just don't fulfill that need for me. And even if they did, it wouldn't change how much I desire my current partner.

We have a solid relationship otherwise. Healthy, frequent communication (including about sex, even when it's uncomfortable and a little scary for them), lots of quality time, and we foster our own independence by having separate social groups and hobbies so we're not constantly up each others asses. We get plenty of non-sexual physical intimacy like massages, naked cuddling, kissing and that sort of thing.

I just don't know what to do. They're trying to get a therapist, but it's a long process. Even once they get into therapy, it's not as if you can heal from abuse overnight. I empathize with them. I've been in an abusive relationship before (albeit not a sexually coercive one) and that shit does a number on you. I don't hold it against them, I'm not angry or upset. And I know I can't rush this sort of thing.

So what do I do? Is there a reframe I'm missing? A new partner isn't gonna fix it. If I weren't demi, maybe some casual sex would at least take the edge off. I guess I could break up with them, but to what end? It wouldn't bring more sex to my life, I'd lose a great partner, and it's likely this isn't a forever incompatibility as long as they can get their mental health needs met and start figuring out how to feel safe when one or both of us is aroused. Which, to be clear, is something they've explicitly stated they do want.

I know some of you have been here, either in my partner's position or mine. How did you handle yourself? Did it ever click for you, to a point where you just stopped worrying about it and let things happen naturally? Is there anything I can do to support my partner? All answers appreciated. ❤️