Here I am again:

Fixated. Obsessed. Compulsive. I’m missing my work deadlines. I’m not seeing friends. I can hardly sleep. All I can think of is sex.

So I post myself online and soothe myself with stranger’s comments. Or I cum with strangers on snapchat because it’s become sad to orgasm alone. Or perhaps I meet with someone and we have sex but I’m never finished and only need it more when she’s gone.

Autistic hypersexuality means sex is my special interest. It consumes my free time and all of my idle processing and all of my energy. When it’s good it’s euphoric. I’m attentive. I study. I love to learn and map my partner and I love it when my partner is shocked at my familiarity. I want to know my partner’s body better than she does and I want to show her what I’ve found.

But sex can only sometimes be that fulfilling. Otherwise, I’m just broken. I’m exhausted with myself.

I’m absurdly self aware. I had a mother who neglected and physically abused me and I was subsequently fixated on intimacy with girls all my childhood. I never received any affection from anyone until I met my first girlfriend in highschool. I had my first date and my first kiss and my first fuck all in the same day. The first affectionate touch I ever received from a woman was sexual, and it was hardwired into me that sexual attention from women is how I know I’m safe. I became sexually dominant because it enhanced that sense of safety; a woman offering her body to me is how I experience love.

None of it is quite right. It works in bursts, and then I’m lower than I was before my temporary succor. I want to be happy and receive steady sane realistic love and be content and creative.

I’m sorry to divest and divulge these feelings this way. It’s too indulgent, I think. However, I’ve also come to realize that many autistic and AuDHD people experience a similar overwhelming fixation. If you do, I relate to you. I understand that hypersexuality is easily misconstrued as a moral failing and I understand the pervasive pain.

Thank you for seeing me, too.