It's been tough starting as late as I have. I was hoping to find a virgin like myself, but I ultimately felt obligated to at least figure out if I even liked being intimate.

Long story short, it wasn't bad. Kind of cool the first couple of times I got to touch a woman's body, but after that, it was mostly downhill. I basically had to forego most of my standards for attraction in order to have more sexual encounters.

In the process, I accidentally made a friend (ftm) who enjoyed letting me explore his body. While I was grateful and still enjoy his platonic company to this day, I feel like I lost myself a bit. I felt no physical attraction to him at all, yet willingly went as far as oral sex. I was so eager to explore that I feel like I settled with this arrangement because nobody else was interested in me. I don't even feel like I can call myself a virgin anymore, even though I've never had intercourse.

This whole partner-searching process has left me feeling disillusioned. I still want a virgin* partner, but feel guilty for having some experience. Considering that my chances for finding someone like me continues to diminish to an infinitely low number, I just feel like giving up on sex altogether. I quit masturbating, I quit watching porn, and I'm less enthusiastic than ever to explore what I want; it feels pointless because I'll never be able to grow into my own sexuality without a consistent partner I know and trust. So... yeah. I'll just go back to the life of solitude I was accustomed to prior to this ill-fated exploration "endeavor." Is this the best option?

*someone who has not had intercourse and has little to no experience with anything else.