It’s been a joy to find this group. We all seem to have a similar way of communicating, and this commonality helps us to express our wide range of sexual experiences in a helpful manner.

I’m a man in my mid-30s, and I have just been diagnosed with autism, after suspecting this was the case for the better part of a year. So, I have already been in a process of interpreting and reinterpreting my behaviours (especially the unmanageable ones) to ascertain if there can be a better approach to living my life. As I’ve grown older, this process of managing emotional discord and social awkwardness has become more difficult, but at least the dragon now has a name. My sexuality is a core component of this process of self-regulation.

I’ve always been highly sexual, even while very young. As a teenager I discovered porn and became totally enthralled with the intimacy of viewing someone else’s body. I truly believe sex became my thing--my hobby and object of obsession.

My teenage girlfriend was extremely kinky, so I hit the ground running. I was naïve and took everything as is and adopted all her proclivities. I wasn’t nervous, unlike my more typical interactions with women. Public play with her didn’t bother me, but I could hardly stand to ask a question in a store. I didn’t get over excited: I was focused and in my element. I am who I want to be with sex.

In more recent years this focus has developed into a love of online exhibitionism, where I post images and videos of myself. It’s escalated to where I’ve substantial views and offers to do so professionally (for which I have no interest). In this case I love the praise and attention, but I also feel like people are seeing me for me. No mask and no nervousness. And it’s a huge relief.

So too when I’m with a partner. I love to pay attention to all her sexual queues. I obsess over the details, pay attention, and delight. Every tense muscle, yelp of surprise, gasp of sensation—it’s all so valuable to me.

Last year I met a woman in New York and we had sex for most of the day. I had never engaged with her before, so I immensely enjoyed studying all her responses, her body, everything which seemed especially erogenous for her or interesting to me. We were at it for hours, and I brought here to climax several times, but I did not climax myself. That just wasn’t what I was interested in. The act of sex for me is an act of personal expression in a comfortable environment, and so my orgasm tends to be optional or even a nuisance.

Is anyone else like this? Has sex become your autistic raison d'être? I find it so difficult to relate to people otherwise. Small talk with an attractive woman over coffee kills me. I feel like a bumbling idiot. Interacting with a woman’s body and having sex is peaceful: I can read the situation and understand what’s happening. Her body is objective and has a different nuance than speech. Feedback is immediate, what’s good and what’s bad is simply communicated, and I feel wanted. It’s safe.

It’s a strange place to be so isolated and have so few friends and instead treasure the experiences with, and memories of, lovers as my social connection.