A little over a decade ago I chose to victimize someone because I was unhappy with my life and I distorted the attention she gave me as attraction. I spent 2 years bailed out on pre-trial probation. I began drinking everyday because I knew I had done wrong and I hated myself for it. I even attempted suicide because I believed the sensationalized TV shows and movies that depicted a life of being beaten or killed. I give you this background not for sympathy, but to give you a glimpse of my mentality then.

I did 6 and a half years of an 8 to 9 year sentence in the state prison system where I got sober, earned college credits toward a Small Business Administration certificate, lost 60 lbs with regular exercise, but most importantly, I engaged in treatment that helped me address my mental health issues and give me an understanding of why I committed the abhorrent offenses I did. I learned to forgive the people that hurt me in my past, and to begin to love the man I am.

I was released April of last year to a sober house, because it was the only place that would take me in. In my first year out I've found a job that has promoted me to a manager position and is considering another promotion for me, I have taken college classes to earn certifications in a trade, I have re-acquired my license. I've kept off the weight, remained sober, and have so far been successful in battling my depression. All of these achievements and positive things that I have going for me, especially compared to how dark things were before, you would think I'd be on top of the world.

I feel stuck though. I feel like this will loom over my head forever waiting to destroy what good I do or try to have. I'm still in a sober house a year later, sharing a room like it is a prison cell, because I haven't found a rooming house o that will accept me, even as a level 2 and studio or 1 bedroom apartments are grossly overpriced ($2500 per month, way out of my budget). Then there is the subject of dating. I feel lonely and want to have a healthy relationship, but any time I've gotten close to someone and revealed the details of my past, (not that I'm obligated to, but I feel it is the right thing to do) the relationship immediately terminates or deteriorates. Most of the women I have dated are mothers, but as a man in my 30s, it seems a high percentage of the women on dating apps have children. I can understand their concerns and fears, but wouldn't someone who isn't upfront be more alarming?

I know it has only been a year, and that patience has never been my forte. But I just want to have a nice life. Nothing extravagant. Just something that makes me feel content. Where I can have privacy, and my own things. Where I can find someone to share a life with and be seen as the man I am today, and not reviled as the man I was 11 years ago.