I wasn't always like this. I was sexually assaulted a few years ago and just don't think about sex in same way anymore. Or maybe I'm just making excuses for myself. Either way, I used to be different.

I recognized a while back that I had a problem. I just could not make myself stop seeing escorts, even when I couldn't afford it anymore. Even when I didn't want to do it anymore. I have a deep love and respect for my wife that you wouldn't know from my behaviors. I've done horrible, ugly things that she has no idea about.

I NEED(ED) sex, the ultimate form of intimacy, to feel validated. Tough argument with the wife? Off to an escort to feel better. She's not in the mood for sex? Escort. Something positive happened? Escort to celebrate. Bored? Escort.

For a while I told myself that I could go cold turkey. But obviously that failed. Then I thought I could taper off. Maybe instead of going every week, go every 2 weeks instead. Then every 3 weeks, and so forth. I successfully quit drinking in a similar kind of way, and it was going reasonably well here too.

But then the symptoms started. Painful urination. Pelvic pain. Blood in my urine. I knew my ugly habit had caught up to me but I couldn't face it. I laid in bed all night one night contemplating suicide.

But I had to know for sure that I had actually contracted an STI. So I started thinking about how I could get to a doctor without my wife finding out. The pain was too much though and I needed her help to get to an urgent care so I had to come clean about my symptoms. She was so worried, so caring. She didn't suspect a thing and I have never felt worse in my entire life than when I saw the loving look of concern in her eye. She should be the last one to take care of me now.

Long story even longer, it turns out I just had a really bad UTI. The treatment worked. I'm 100% recovered and in the clear. All tests have come back clean multiple times.

I am so grateful that I have come out the other side of this with my health and relationship fully intact. But I'm lost, depressed, scared, and fragile. I can't stop having flashes of moments from my old life. I find myself trying to think of ways to go back even though I have absolutely no intention of doing so...But sometimes late at night or in the depths of a depressive episode, I get this nagging thought that going back will make my life easier or better. Even though I know in my logical brain and in my heart that will never be true. Then I hate myself for having these thoughts, especially given the miraculous escape that I just pulled off.

I know I need help. I need counseling for my sexual assault. I need support on this journey to address my sex addiction. But I'm terrified that my wife will find out and leave me.

So that's where I am. I'm not quite sure how I got here, or where to go from here. I don't even really know why I'm writing this.

Thank you for listening.