Tl;dr: After being in an abusive and toxic relationship for 12 years, becoming newly single and trying dating apps for the first time in my life, I've since become addicted to sex and connections with people. I don't want to be celibate, but I also need to be in control of my sex life, and I need help.

Believe it or not, I used to think that I could survive without having sex, or even masturbating, for the rest of my life. I was stuck in a horrible abusive relationship for 12 years (basically my entire young adulthood) and I even thought at one point that I might be asexual. It's honestly hard for me to even believe that I'm addicted to sex, given my history. But the reality is that now I can't go a day without it, and I feel like I'm going to crawl out of my skin if I can't have it.

I became a single woman 6 months ago after breaking up with my ex, and I immediately got on dating apps to try and make myself feel better by proving to myself that other people do want me and find me attractive (one of my ex's favorite insults was to tell me that no other man would ever want me but him). The amount of likes and messages I got right away was overwhelming and exciting, and I dove into meeting people and hooking up. After having the best sex of my life that I never thought was possible, I then realized that I wasn't asexual at all, that I was actually bisexual with a very high libido.

Fast forward 2 months into being single, and my body count went from previously being 4, to 55. I've since lost track of the exact number. I have put myself into risky situations, invited multiple strangers into my home, said yes to sex (or didn't continue saying no) with people I didn't actually want to hookup with, and I'm constantly on a popular social media app messaging men and sending explicit content to them. I crave sex all the time, and I want it to be extreme and degrading to me. I've spent too much money on sex toys, have wasted way too much time making content for men (most often for free even), and if I can't have sex on any particular day I'll masturbate, but not ever fully feel satisfied.

I struggle with other addictions too, namely cocaine and food. This is already a long post so I won't go into too much detail, but I've struggled with my mental health and self-worth ever since I was a child. I went through sexual trauma as a teenager. I use other people's opinions of me as validation for how worthy I am as a person.

Now, I am craving not only sex but also intimacy and a positive and meaningful connection with someone else. I got off the dating apps after starting a 1 month exclusive relationship with a man who I since broke up with, mainly because he didn't satisfy me sexually. I never physically cheated, but I was still sexting and sending some explicit content to other men.

I have a rotating list of 5 guys that I see regularly. Other men have been trying to take me out on dates. I feel like I'm constantly on my phone talking to people or sexting, and that I have no idea how to be comfortable being alone with myself. When I am alone I'm most often doing cocaine, eating, or masturbating.

I'm struggling so much with coming to terms with all of my addictions and then having to deal with them. I constantly feel on edge and uncomfortable, except for when I'm engaging in my addictions. As a woman, being hyper-sexual is often seen as a good thing, but it's also demonized. I don't want to go back to life without sex, but I also know that I need to live a life that is healthy and fulfilling.

Honestly, I'm embarrassed and at a loss for how to stop these self-destructive behaviors while still finding a partner to spend the rest of my life with. I know being single right now is what's best for me, but I can't seem to stop engaging with men who give me their attention. I apologize for rambling on, but this realization hit me hard, and now I'm spiraling. Thank you to all who read this, and for any comments or suggestions you might have.