i’m a [NB22] introvert with adhd. i started using sex to connect with people after i realized i have a lot more fun doing that than just talking to people, but i started feeling alienated from the wonderful platonic friends i already had because casual sex became so important to me. then i fell, slowly but head over heels in love with a fwb i’d had for ~8 months. when we started dating, i immediately started feeling repulsed by casual sex and my neglectful behaviour because having sex with someone i was in love with was incomparably more emotionally fulfilling and just felt right. I broke up with her because she was expecting things to stay more casual between us, and i finally realized i needed more from a relationship than she could give me, and i decided to stop having casual sex.

a month into our 1.5 month relationship i told her i would let her know if i was going to hook up with anyone (we were both poly), which she wasn’t expecting of me bc her other gf doesnt, but its just what felt right to me. once when i was feeling unstable and wanted to seek validation that she couldn’t give me, i hooked up with a fwb and it led to a near-pregnancy scare that wouldn’t have happened if a) the fwb had communicated better and b) i’d had a better sense of self-preservation in the moment. I feel betrayed but i acknowledge it was a miscommunication and error on both our parts. Afterwards i felt terrified that i’d let myself come so close to experiencing my worst fear and decided not to let myself have casual sex.

during the period of terror and anxiety after that, another ex fwb (Lamb) came over and cuddled me and comforted me, which i was grateful for bc i had developed a cold and knew my gf got anxious around sick people. However- i forget how it came up but i do remember it wasn’t me who initiated it first- my ex fwb and i started talking about sex and things became flirty. i shouldn’t have, but i told her i was horny but also that it was not a good idea to do anything and i really just wanted us to be friends. i also said that i promised not to hook up with anyone without letting my gf know first. the timing was also awful considering i was really just seeking emotional support and going through a pregnancy scare. But both of us being hypersexual (and fuck dude the sex we’d had WAS really good, but she’d had very intense romantic feelings for me that i didn’t reciprocate so i ended things abt 2 months prior), things got very sexual and i WANTED it even though i knew it absolutely wasn’t what i needed. I also felt bad about leading her on bc i knew she wasn’t completely over me.

anyway i told my gf abt how i kinda felt like i couldn’t say no if the option for sex was presented even though i knew i’d regret it and that she was the only one i actually wanted to have sex with. She never really expressed having a problem with me having sex with others, but she’s not the best at communicating how she’s feeling. i know this sounds bad, she has a very tough-love style of responding to people’s insecurities, but she said it was stupid that i couldn’t resist sex even if i knew i’d regret it. that’s when i told her it felt like an addiction, because if i were in control of my compulsions i WOULD be able to resist it. She’s joked about herself being a sex addict in the past, and she’s Definitely exhibited self-destructive behaviour in terms of sex, but she self-destructs in far more ways than just that. i think the main difference is that i actively try to not be self destructive most of the time. For her i think it’s been somewhat of a choice to seek catharsis with sex, for me i WANT sex to be an expression of devotion to someone i’m with but when i’m in certain situations i can’t bring myself to stop even if it is self-destructive.

i haven’t spoken to my ex gf in a week. i uninvited her to a halloween party with my roommates bc at her friend’s party, that friend told me she’d been actively concealing how often she was spending time with them (in the same building as me) while we were dating, in order to avoid me. I had a breakdown on their balcony and Lamb came out to comfort me. I also uninvited the host friend who’s gf is in the same program as me and we’d been becoming friends (Lamb wasnt invited bc she has 3 girlfriends that i’m vaguely friends with but none of them know my roommates and we were having a very small close-friends party).

Anyway, another ex fwb (K) was at our party. they’re good friends with me and my roommates and hang out here often. we first hooked up last spring when they were rejected by my roommate (who’s a high-school best friend of theirs) and wanted to get over them. i felt weird abt it and told them, but couldn’t exactly explain why aside from the fact that i see them way more often than my other fwbs, and we had sex a few more times. at some point i stopped letting them sleep in my bed when they stayed over (which wasn’t always for sex, but it felt wrong that i was thinking abt that). i noticed they were sad so i explained that i wanted to prioritize our platonic friendship and them sleeping in my bed made me think abt and want sex, but that i didn’t like that bc i love them as a person and was attracted to them but not romantically and so having sex felt wrong. they said they could sleep in my bed and “not let” me have sex with them, which made me feel gross bc i dont ever really try to initiate things with the expectation of sex, i wait to see if it’s clear its what the other person wants. i said i just don’t like that i’m thinking abt sex when they’re in my bed even though i don’t actually want it, and i think they understood but i knew it probably made them sad.

I got very drunk and high at the party and K and i ended up in a pile of blakets on the living room floor after everyone had gone to bed. we cuddled and i talked for a long time abt my ex and my brain and a bunch of things that i seem to talk to them about often. I sometimes feel bad for talking so much about myself and let them know. they said that i kinda use them as an outlet, which was good to hear bc its true and i just hadn’t really realized it. i said i was trying to learn how to be a better platonic friend. i talked abt how id decided to abstain from casual sex but how hard it was to connect with people bc of everything i wrote in the first paragraph of this post. I told them i thought the only kind of casual sex i think i could enjoy would be something where i’m actively against what’s happening to me, a situation that is completely out of my control and all it’s for is the pleasure of the person using me. i’ve been spending a lot of time on the cnc connect subreddit, and i said it was probably bad for me and they agreed. I’d be lying if i said i was saying these things without a bit of hope that they might read between the lines, but i don’t think i was trying to manipulate them. It’d have been better if they hadn’t, but they did, i guess. they’re a very thoughtful person and they are definitely a people pleaser. i blame myself actually for introducing them to the darker shit im into, before they’d met me they considered themselves completely vanilla. Anyway, they touched me without asking, very very very slowly and i’d have been able to stop it at any point but it felt So good and i trusted them and i told myself it wouldn’t “count” as long as i didn’t participate and just let them do whatever they wanted with me. Occasionally they’d ask “is this ok?” to which i’d nod to make them feel better, but i didn’t want to. It was exciting, but at some point i lost the excitement and i just felt a bit selfish and guilty. When they asked abt it the next day, i said “i liked it and i feel fine”, which is uncharacteristicly brief of me but the hangover was overpowering most of how i felt, and i did ofc like it. The next night we were cuddling in the living room again, but i got up and said i was going to go sleep in my bed. I didnt want them to think all i wanted was sex although it was definitely on my mind, but i also didn’t want them to feel lonely so i said that they could follow me if they wanted. I didn’t wait for them, and just left. they followed me. i thought they were just going to go to sleep, but even more happened than the previous night with even less interaction from me. The next day i felt kinda sick with regret, and i showered and then told them i shouldn’t have let them do that but i made it clear that i was not upset at them. they felt very bad and i knew they would, but im mainly upset with myself.

I’d always been so certain that i’d be able to say no to sexual things if i didn’t want them, but the problem is that now i crave it all, all the time even if i know it’s going to make me feel like shit and affect my ability to function and the way i connect with people. Luckily i think so far my object permanence issues has helped with not actually following through on online hookups, but when someone is in front of me and i know they’re into me, it feels almost impossible to resist. I hate feeling like i have to rely on them to “not let me” have sex. I’ve also been wasting my life away on dating apps and porn, when i feel lonely and can’t find something else satisfying enough to do, which is often when i’m not on my adhd meds. I feel less valuable to my ex fwbs because i don’t want to have sex with them anymore but i like them all as people. in fact the reason i had sex with them is bc i am demisexual and have generally only pursued long term sexual relationships with people i think are cool in more ways than just sex, and also bc i wanted to meet other kinky people and get over the guilt i felt about that. i was trying to make friends, but i overcompensated and became unrecognizable to myself. I’m optimistic, and want to put more effort into my platonic friendships, but im so rejection sensitive and its scary. I feel like i’m learning how to be a person again.

i think it’s good that i’ve realized this is a deeper issue than “i just really like sex”.