Hi, I am "new" to this habit of mine because this year I got into a lot of real situations. But it's like the tip of the iceberg that I've tried to manage well my sex drive with myself but somehow ended up dependent on the lustful attention from others that fills the emptiness, I guess. What I mean is I've had OCD most of my life so maybe what's going on is nothing short of that. I'm like on autopilot so I hook-up with strangers and let them drive me several miles away from home and not feel so nervous through any of it. This last time I thought I really thought I was going to count a twelfth man I did oral with by the end of this, or eleventh this year. But luckily, I didn't have to go through that. No protection either in anything, I also tried his vape device and nearly passed out on nicotine inhaling it deep.

What does worry me is catching things, or completely depending on strangers to bring me back home. Sometimes the fear is vaguely there that I may not get my host to come accept me and leave me at a strange place 20 or 30 miles from home I don't even know the name of the street to, and not have any money or phone with me. A red flag came up once a week or two ago when the man I was with stumbled in his bathroom and never came out. It was in the middle of the night, and I was putting my own safety in his responsibility, and he couldn't keep his head straight. I had to come talk him back up to his coach and he got some sleep till he could function again. The place was tiny but the mistic ripples of water came in through the windowed doors. If only I knew what view the day could bring. Many classic cars he must have his hands in fixing out there, a man who feels down on his luck enough to Uber someone like me to his house so that he could feel a bit loved. Even the Uber driver must have been scared dropping me off where few lights and signs marked the place, I told her I didn't know either where I was supposed to be.

In the end he got my ignorance because I committed to myself that i would never go with him, he already had blocked me on the app, over silly triggers, his ego too big and sensitive for anything I said in response. Getting called retarded I thought I'd never have to see him again, but through a new account I didn't even ask for his information when I agreed to meet. That moment I see arrive and see that face in person!

I was supposed to cool myself down but I've been hanging on the app for one or two last guys I feel I've got to know better over a time and an emotional commitment. But that is where I got into more trouble again while on there.