UPDATE: I am so proud of myself. I had several urges to "just give in" because "look at the damage you've done already, might as well" and I told my urge NO. I won't. And journaled through my urge and it passed. I was left with my sadness again but was proud I pushed through during what's now become the hardest thing in my life so far.

Previously to now, my brain would giddily look forward to being away from my home to stay up late past my usual bedtime at my hotel, using various apps (including this one) to find and sext strangers. After the fifth instance of betrayal occurring earlier this week at home, and several times I swore I'd not do it anymore and hurt her by it, my wife "called time of death" on saving our 15-year marriage.

I spent all day today just being alone with my thoughts - the most time I have ever done so since I began giving into this shitty addiction. It crushed me to think I've lost so many great things now due to my selfish behavior and it took LOSING MY MARRIAGE TO MY BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD to finally have a true "fuck this" moment about this addiction.

I will not be falling into old habits tonight. Or tomorrow night. As someone else here noted, journaling when the urge surfaces is what I'm planning to do to give the secret a spotlight. I'm hoping that can be my secret weapon. Please wish me luck. I need to do this for me, now. Even if it's too late for my marriage.