I recently posted to NPD about my infidelity, listing all the reasons why I cheat… But I realized, I don’t think those are really the reasons at all, or at least, not entirely.

A couple of the comments I got on that post made me think, and I appreciate that.

I think the reasons I do it have more to do with control, a desire to manipulate (so again, control), an interest in “secret” relationships (but why?), and a need to engage in unhealthy sexual behaviors and power dynamics.

I’m hoping to get some more insight about my own behavior, and I hope this question will serve as a starting point for a broader discussion.

So - why do you think you do it, if not just to have sex?

Edit: I realized it’s also one of the only times I feel truly present, focused, and engaged. I can’t get that from anything else—I’ve tried—and that makes me sad. Like I said, I’m seeking out unhealthy sexual behaviors - usually in the form of BDSM, but that’s a generous term, because really, I just like (?) to be abused in very specific ways. I recently learned the term “repetition compulsion” and that really clicked for me. Google it if you find yourself looking for partners to fulfill the same fantasies and sex acts for you over and over and over again.