I've never been faithful a day in my life. From my first boyfriend at 14 to my husband at 28, I've been cheating and lying my way through relationships. Every time I get caught, I try to change based on sheer will, fear of letting people down and shaming myself to fit into society. I live my life in a vicious cycle. Cheating, lying, getting caught, saying I'll change, wanting to change, but failing to change, repeat.

"I can change this time I promise" "I'll prove everyone wrong this time and you'll be proud to be with me again" "I won't let you down this time" "It was just a dumb mistake." But it wasn't a mistake, was it? I knew the risks, I knew the consequences, but yet I intentionally lived each day trying to fulfill my selfish desires. Catching a wandering eye on me, subtle flirts eventually grew stronger, being lusted after. The rush of endorphins that flooded every cell in my body until I was at the point of no return, and gave in. Again, and again, and again.

It started as a justification for a coping mechanism. Physical validation from men fills the void of emotional validation I never received from my mother. Therapy, therapy, and more therapy. Nothing ever lasted. Did I not want it enough? Did I not grasp how much I hurt people enough? Did I not suffer serious enough consequences to motivate me? I guess not. The itch came back every time.

One-night stands, sexting, fake dating profiles, and now a 6-month long affair. At first, I justified my double life. "I'm just outsourcing from my relationship to get my needs met. There's nothing wrong with me, it's ok to be selfish because my needs matter too." I tried to compartmentalize. I thought I could keep my two lives separate. But things like this always got messy. I slipped up yet again. So here I am, separated from my husband, kicked out of my house, sharing my daughter 50/50, all our friends know this time, all our family knows this time, I'm seeing a therapist, a psychiatrist, and going to SA meetings. I've finally hit rock bottom.

I realize now that I measure my worth by others' opinions and perceptions of me. I always have. I constantly try to please people because it's how I gauge my self-confidence. I've found my root cause. I've always known the consequences, but lust and validation just feel so damn good. I always thought maybe I could hide it this time, or if I could just convince my husband to have an open relationship that would be the ideal solution. But I know now that neither of those things is true, productive, or healthy.

I'm finally ready for recovery. I'm ready to break this cycle. I'm ready to find healthier ways to cope and to stop using endorphins from lust to distract from my real problems. And this time it really IS different. I'm not trying to change to win my husband back or to prove myself to anyone. I'm doing it to lead a healthier life for myself and my daughter. I'm trying to change because I deserve to be a better person. I'm doing it for me.

I know I have a long way to go, but now that I've hit rock bottom, there's nowhere to go but up. Hi, I'm a sex addict, and it's good to be here.