Hello everyone! So I just realized something that I wasn’t ready to admit to myself for a long time. I’m addicted to sex. Here’s a little bit of back story to me..

Im a 27 gay male coming from a conservative family who judged me all my life for the way I act, speak or dress. When I was a kid I wasn’t interested in football or anything and rather hang out with girls. My parents started suspecting I was gay, talked about how being gay is a disease. I came out when I was a teenager and even though it liberated me to a degree I was told by my mother that I would go to hell and that the world hated me. Toxic household. Things got better though but the scars and pain remained. I’ve been in therapy many times for depression, took anti depressants and tried to unalive myself.

Things turned for the better when I moved out and got a job. Now I live a pretty pleasant life disregarding my problematic upbringing. I’ve got a boyfriend for 5 years now and he really is a good guy. He has a low sex drive though.

I have issues with my boyfriend having sex somehow mentally as I connect sex more with having sex with strangers than having sex with a partner. It’s like my mind separated sex from romance.

To the topic of this subreddit. I have been cheating on my boyfriend for the past years. I try to be as safe as possible and rarely do anything really intimate. I still seek out other forms of sexual pleasure which I do not want to go into detail here. After every sexual encounter I feel ashamed and sad and sorry for myself. Asking myself why I keep doing that to me..

A few days ago I read an article that especially for gay people a sex addiction is quite easy to get as many gay people are rejected for who they are and have to live a life in secrecy. Seeking the validation from strangers that our own family wouldn’t give us.

I often in my daily life realize that I am hiding who I really am. That I feel ashamed of myself for being gay almost. I know in theory that I shouldn’t and that I am good the way I am and should just be myself.

I want to better myself. I am addicted to sex as it gives me the feeling of being „wanted“ and „desired“. I always felt unwanted from my family. And even though their attitudes have changed and they somehow are supportive it still left a massive scar on me the way homosexuality and I were treated in the past.

I am not the happiest with my relationship but I think a lot of my issues come from my addiction. I have issues with connecting to people, building proper friendships and relationships.

It really feels like a substance abuse cause these short sexual encounters at least mimic what it would be like if felt wanted.

I am currently looking for a therapist to go back to therapy and work on this. In the meantime I try to help myself as good as possible, write a diary, do research on self treatment. Found this Reddit community here. I read a few posts here already and it gives me somewhat of hope to see that people can „re-wire“ their brain and get over this addiction.

I know deep in my heart if I put in the work that I will get over this. I have a good life now that I worked hard for and I have all the possibilities to live a fulfilled life. I just need to turn my back to this addiction and turn towards healthy habits, friendships and a healthy self esteem.

Thanks for reading whoever made it till the end of my post!