Hi, for starters, it wasn’t always like this. I used to be fine with being abstinent. I used to have other things like hobbies and things that made me happy, I used to be totally fine with not having sex at all? In fact it was the last thing on my mind.

That was years ago..I can’t remember the last time I wanted a relationship without sex. It’s so uncomfortable for me. The first relationship I’ve ever been in, I was forced to have sex with him just so that he would be happy. He kept guilt tripping me about it, so I finally did and then it just spiraled all down from there. Throughout all of my relationships I’ve always felt like the main thing a man would go after me for was my body, even if I wasn’t trying to dress in a seductive or sexual way, I would first to be noticed or interested for my body.

Every relationship I’ve ever had started out fine, and then they would progress it further, they’d want to have sex with me. Every single time they wanted it I would just let them do it, not because I also wanted to do it but because I was afraid if I didn’t, they would just leave. And most, if not all, did. I felt alone.

I felt like nobody was truly interested in me, so I just stopped bothering and became “easy”. I became so obsessive over my relationships and give them sex whenever they wanted it because I felt like that was all I was good for. Nobody cared who I was, nobody cared what I was interested in. I knew it was all just small talk before them getting what they really wanted. It’s hard for me.

I’m trying to learn boundaries and saying no more often, I currently live with my ex boyfriend who is now my roommate, and I still tend to give him sex whenever he wants it because he cheated on me and felt unfulfilled. I just want to be enough for someone, but more importantly, for me.

I don’t know what to do anymore.