Dday was only 9 days ago and while the fallout was very intense, emotional, and ultimately necessary to start my road to recovery…. I didn’t expect things to be like this. Quick overview: I was messaging people and creators online for stimulation but while porn is not taboo in our home, this definitely crossed the line. My partner and I have stayed in almost constant contact since discovery and we have even met up, hung out, talked seriously and extensively about my actions and what small bits of understanding I have of why I did it, made love, and she asked me to stay over a few nights (including last night). I have had two individual therapy appointments and we are setting up a therapist for couples as well (I’m doing the general legwork but keeping my partner in the loop and making sure she is comfortable with the therapist and scheduling).

We have lived together for the majority of our relationship (1.5 years) and held an apartment lease for about a year and it continues until February. I am still contributing to the rent even though she asked me to move out. I did without protest because I am ashamed of my actions, I must be held accountable but I also want my partner to be comfortable and feel safe. For the time being I am staying on a close friend’s basement couch and looking for long-term but month to month accommodations. My actions are going to be a major financial strain and I have already begun looking for a second job (as has my partner). All of these things seem like the good healthy actions to be taken….except she wants me back sooner rather than later.

We both want this to work out long term and we both fully understand that real work must be done on my part as her faith and trust in me is broken…but not gone. She still has immense love for me and, by her own admission, she may have codependency and abandonment issues that perpetuate the thoughts of having me move back already. I love her dearly and she is being incredibly brave and supportive to take any action on her part to even suggest being a part of my recovery.

I do want to move back and the couple nights we’ve shared have been so full of love and intimacy (beyond physical tho I’ll get to that) and deep conversation that it’s been quite bonding. However, I am concerned that having physical relations might not be the best choice right now and I’ve asked her that she not instigate anything beyond a hug until we can talk with our shared therapist a few times (initial session near end of month). My partner states that she misses me dearly and while she does want to hold me accountable, she feels conflicted and wants our life back along with wishing me to heal.

Long story, short question: is it unhealthy to move back so soon? She says that in a sense she can keep a better eye on me but I believe that her kind heart is more so motivating the request and feelings of having me return. I want to do this right; I want to heal so I can spend the rest of my life with her. Is moving back so soon ok?