I'm a 40m Muslim (not in a strict family), born and raised in the US. Married the only girl I "dated" as soon as I graduated college.

All through my youth, I liked looking at porn, it started with playboy and moved up. But nobody knew this about me. In college I once bought a subscription to a porn site and my mom noticed on my credit card bill, but I convinced her it was a mistake. I lived alone in college and would masterbate every day, I would feel very guilty too. When this girl began pushing me to marry her because we had been intimate, I thought it would help me to stop engaging in and to atone for me sinful behavior.

We got married and I continued watching porn in secret and masterbating in the shower. My wife has never known this or that I was at one point deeply knowledgeable about different aspects of the porn industry.

This isn't even where my problems began. We have several kids and she has always been sexually satisfied by me, in fact she initiates more then I do. As I got older and began making money and gaining confidence, I began to resent her for pushing me to marry so young. I began to resent "Islam" for "convincing" me to marry so young and I was annoyed that I had only had sex with one woman.

A few years ago we moved to Dubai for my job. Dubai is a big sex industry destination. Before moving to Dubai, I would get massages from spas to recover from exercise, always professional.

In Dubai, it began when I went to a seemingly reputable spa and the attractive woman offered me extras. Within weeks I was going there regularly to have sex with her. I got tired of her and began going to other spas and having sex with other women. So much so that I have at least four women other than my wife I regularly have sex with. I lie to all of them. This has cost me several tens of thousands of dollars. I'm well compensated, so I've been able to hide it, but I'm never satisfied.

I'll go to a new spa or try a new girl to see how far I can get with her. They often state they don't want to or are not allowed to have sex, but over time I charm then and they relent, it's a great rush.

It's gotten so bad I took a solo trip to the county then many of these women come from. I had the idea I'd go to the spas there and engage in all the sexual acts I still haven't done to "get it out of my system," but I was in fact too shy to go to any such spa. So instead, for the first time in my life, I hired an escort. It was like getting doordash, I went on a website and she appeared a few hours later.

She was nice, charming, etc, but I couldn't even properly finish. I was so angry at myself that instead of stopping, I called her the next day and walked around town with her holding hands and eating dinner and then having sex.

This isn't going to end. As much as I get annoyed, hurt, etc, I don't stop. I justify it to myself that I'm helping these women by being financially generous to them, but I never get real affection back from them.

One girl who is in her 20s seemed to genuinely like me but was very hurt (naturally) when I saw one of her friends.

It's ridiculous, I'm feeling guilty for hurting this girl but have become numb to the fact that my wife learning I've done even 1% of what I have would smash her heart to pieces.

I don't know what to do. I have nobody I can by honest with. I lie so much now and justify it through a cynical world view. I've decided for a start to move out of Dubai since it's so easy for me here, but I'm worried I'll just escalate in the next place and engage in even riskier behavior.