(From my daily journal, slightly edited to remove some identifying information. Wanted to share some of my insights, maybe it will help someone else.)

God, one step forward, two steps back! I spent most of Thursday fucking around. I signed up for onlyfans again and downloaded a lot of stuff from (EDITED). I also tried to recover stuff on my computer, but luckily there was only one short vid that was recoverable, the rest is gone. And of course I was looking at porn. The only reason I didn't act out is that I was stuck at home and couldn't go out.

OK, let’s process all of this.

1. What was I thinking and feeling before I did it?

The overriding thought was that I was just tired of all of my personal drama and I wanted everything to be a normal day. My triggers were boredom, euphoric recall, feeling good, and FOMO. Basically, how I would be on a normal day when I was relaxed. My habit was to start the ritual of looking at porn, looking for what’s available out there, etc. And now, because I know of EDITED's onlyfans, I have that to add on to the list.

The problem is that my “normal” is so sexualized that I can’t have a “normal” day right now. I was whining about being tired of all of the drama, but my normal is so full of sexualized rewards, it’s too easy to fall back into habits and succumb to my triggers. And one of the worst parts about it is that I was talking to myself about how I needed to stop, but the urge was so strong that I kept on going. I kept on telling myself that looking was OK, no harm if I don’t act out. And getting EDITED's stuff? Well, that was all FOMO right there.

2. What didn’t I do that could have prevented it from happening?

Everything!! I didn’t read my triggers and other things, I didn’t stop and have a good heart-to-heart with myself, and I didn’t really address my thoughts and feelings. Even if I couldn’t handle the rest, I had to address the FOMO directly, because in the end it really drove what I was doing.

There’s really nothing new, I know what I need to do, I just have to make that my priority first thing. I know what my routines should be, and I know how I should answer everything that I’m thinking and feeling. I just have to work harder to pull myself out of it.

3. What can I learn from this?

I do not have it all figured out, and I do not have it licked right now. My normal has to be redefined and my reward system is all fucked up because it’s so sexualized. I have to work on that reward system and bringing healthy things into my life. This will take some time and it will be a daily struggle for awhile. I am not going to get out of this that easily.

It was a fucked-up day, and I will have other days like it. Don’t completely beat yourself up, just address what you need to address and keep moving forward. You can beat this, you can get past it, be patient, it will take a long time to get there.

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We can't be our normal again if we want to be healthy and sober. We have to redefine that normal and create something new. It takes effort, but we can get there, together. Thanks for listening!