I've been in recovery for two months now, and the first thing I know I had to do was total abstinence from everything. I have to rewire my brain so reward/dopamine is connected to something other than my acting out.

And it has been rough. My acting out/guilt/shame cycle always seems to start with porn. That starts me in Addictive Mind, and then it's just a matter of time before it builds up and I reach my "fuck it" point and act out. I've edged myself a couple of times by looking at porn, but then after a few minutes I'd argue with myself and stop because I knew where it leads and I didn't want to go down that path.

Yesterday was bad, though. Yesterday I found some pics and vids that I had deleted, then spent some time using a file recovery program to find some more off a thumb drive, and the rush I got was so intense that when I deleted those pics and vids a few minutes later, I felt shaky and wrung out afterwards. It scared me a little, it was like I had just got a hit from a drug and I was coming down.

This has taught me that a) dopamine is a helluva drug and b) I still have a long way to go. But, it's also strengthened my resolve to keep at it, so that hopefully one day I can have something like a normal reaction to normal life, and not this fucked up secret life I've lived for so long.