EDITED

I posted similar previously but have added many more details.

I used to be a COMPLETELY different person before my current relationship, I was gross, narcissistic, dishonest, manipulative, hypocritical, hypersexual, and misogynistic and everyone in my life let me be. No one at all pushed me to stop doing the things I did or to change as a person until I met my current partner. She made me aware of everything immoral and what was harmful to others in my past lifestyle and now after educating myself and seeing on my own how bad so many of the things I did were (and how normalized they are by people who don't bother to educate themselves on the true impact), it’s hard for me to comprehend what kind of person I was fully. I did so much because the predators and perverts (patriarchy) on the internet made it seem normal, and no parent or girl held me accountable.

I am 21M. I found porn at 13 and watched it until I met my partner when I turned 19y. I did the majority of the worst things I’ve done at 16. Just to put into perspective how recent my “past” is.

My partner is the first person I’ve ever told about everything I’ve done including what I’ve done behind closed doors, because she’s the first person to ever ask, and I was never forthcoming. She pieced a lot together just from learning how I spoke about girls to others and went from there. To get an idea of what she can’t stop getting flashbacks/intrusive thoughts about, here are some of the things I’ve done:

I dated and pursued many 14yo as a 16yo when I just wanted them for sex

I took advantage of a vulnerable 13yo and kissed them (without good intentions) while at a dance as a 16yo then dated that 13yo as a 16yo.

Masturbated to close friends’(minors) social media

Masturbated to girlfriends’ friends’ and SISTERS’ social media(minors)

Looked for masturbation material in a girl’s prom dress try-on YouTube video(that her bf was in)(a minor).

Masturbated to celebrity deepfakes and upskirts

Masturbated to actresses in shows I obsessed over for years and years and watched with girlfriends and my sister

Opened gay porn on 12yo sister’s laptop as a 14yo, exposing her to porn in a vindictive way and she has admitted to causing her trauma

Called celebrities(mostly skinny young blondes) “hot” to my sister, brother(7yrs younger than me), and girlfriends throughout my teens, sexualizing and objectifying so many teen girls

Had a type for petite teen blondes and outright said that was my favorite porn category while talking to a guy friend about a girl I ended up dating, and I only dated short skinny girls.

My current partner is a spiritual demisexual voluptuous curly haired brunette dancer, who’s thiccer & more athletic than my skinny self.

In the first month after we met, I showed her a TikTok of a young blonde skateboarding and said “Ooh, skate towards me” moments before we saw a movie where I said a blonde was hot both in such gross ways.

Within a week either right before or right after I started dating a girl I sa’d her identical sister. I also masturbated to them and their third identical sister’s posts on social media. I also cheated on them by kissing an ex, before I lost my virginity cheating with someone I barely knew. Did I mention the girl I cheated on told me she couldn’t have sex because of trauma from rape!?

My partner has her own betrayal trauma on top of all that I’ve given her. And I didn’t instantly become a good man. I was abusive in so many ways for like 9 months and even now, after a year and 7 months, I still need to improve in a lottt of important ways.

It's hard for her because she feels like she's trying to love a predator and my lack of talking/remembering triggers her because I hid SO much. She's dated men who said they would get help and it didn't work but they were older and she wants to work things out due to how much I have changed but I abused her and neglected her while she was hurting from my past, including taking advantage of her sexually with coercion, after yelling, aggression, stonewalling, changing stories, excusing actions, hiding big and small issues, and abandoning or shaming her for her tears and anger while I treated her this way.

I can’t comfort my partner when she’s suffering. I also can’t talk. Like I can’t make conversation, I can like never find the words for what I want to say, I can never explain why I’ve done the horrible things I’ve done and therefore can’t explain how I know I’ll never be that person again. I also am still trying to remember all the details of everything that I’ve done because I fucked my own memory up by blanking out what I did and can’t remember shit so she’s left to try to fill in the blanks and wonder.

There are a hundred things everywhere every day that trigger her and remind her of my past. She's doing a lot of work, trust me. But there isn't a whole lot of help when it comes to particular subjects like this, and that's where we both struggle. I want to help her in those moments either. It's very important for our present and possible future.

PLEASE don't say "get therapy" or "she needs to get over it". I'm looking for a therapist and go to SAA meetings and if you think she "just" needs to "get over it" you must not understand and that's not helpful. Me looking for how to help her cope with trauma I've given her should not be seen as setting the bar high, it should be the basic standard for someone in this position in a relationship. If you traumatize someone and want to be in a relationship with them you kinda gotta make them comfortable enough to do so.

Also I want to reiterate and clarify that what really makes ALL this too much to deal with is the fact that I butchered the disclosure process. I hid so much and so many people making them seem like a bigger deal or more significant than they were. And I hid so many details from so much as well. My partner had to find out so much on her own and what I did tell her she had to PRY out of me for months.