Where I live there are no in person SAA meetings. I’ve been looking for 2.5 years since I acknowledged my addiction. One of the meetings used to take place at my therapists office but it went online only and apparently isn’t even meeting anymore as I emailed them recently to get information and they didn’t respond. The other in person meeting has responded but they are still virtual.

I want fellowship and I simply don’t get that from online meetings. I work in a job where I do conference calls all the time, I simply miss the human interaction and I know the biggest bit of my shame is not being able to tell someone my story. I have done it on the phone and it feels good to do but it doesn’t last. I’m still scared I’ll never be able to do it with a flesh and bone live human. I know logically the voice on the other end is a human.

Which gets me to my question. Would it be dishonest to attend an SA meeting even though I don’t agree with their core premise that any form of lust except for my partner is a break of my sobriety? I do not consider masturbation a relapse. Sure I want to eliminate my reliance on it for emotional regulation but also my partner has told me she doesn’t mind and she doesn’t want sex as much as me. I’m not going to set myself up for constant failure by agreeing to that part of SA.

Would it be dishonest to attend their meeting? There are at least a dozen meetings near me. I am scared to attend and find a sponsor only to have to admit this is a program I don’t fully embrace. But I’m also desperate for some form of physical connection in recovery. I’ve even gone as far as working out plans to start my own SAA meeting but my wife asked me not to because she doesn’t want anyone to find out (not sure how starting a meeting is more risky than attending but I can’t argue this with her).