Was doing so well. (3 days clean) Then had this random thought of my past paid IRL meet. I decided to look into finding her again and nowhere to be found. Then had the urge to release. Kept telling myself NO, but then my brain miraculously remember her number I go text her using those get fake # phone apps. I pretend I am someone else. She reels me In. I keep having thoughts of us together. Then I go to the paid cam model sites to see if an x model I use to chat with was working. She was, I sadly followed through and spent 200$ on the chat sesh. More money issues now as it was on my credit card now I will be slightly even more behind on my payments for the loans I took previously for my SA past irl meets.

I feel lost today, but hopeful after reading some success stories here. But I wish I can push the boulder over the mountain but it keeps pushing me back as its really heavy.