FYI this might be a really long one especially for a first.

Little background about me I am 26 years old male about to turn 27 this upcoming March. Currently a SA in both the virtual/online space and in-person space. Please read whole post below and advise me! Would appreciate any advice and feedback. TIA

So lets start from the beginning I grew up heavy Catholic religious parents and GF/dating was never allowed. I then decided to search the interwebs on my own and thus started the begging of my SA addiction. From age 14 to 22 everyday viewing the online sites. At age 16 I did have a nice 1 year cleanse but relapsed after getting rejected by my crush and haven't been able to break that record ever since.

Now fast forward 4 years later I got board of online SA stuff and have 4k in the bank account from saving up birthday money, small side jobs I did and gift money. I started getting involved in the paid online space. I was spending between $50-400 per week on theses sites. I had gotten a part time job on the side and thus had more money to spend on these sites.

2 years later after being in my entry level job that pays 40k/yr living. I started getting bored with the paids sites. Started online dating apps. Every time I was rejected I would go running back to the sites seeking validation. Then came a really bad time. I met this really great gal finally on the dating app, we talk and we vibe like crazy, Videocall each other. I was 24 at the time. Had some IRL dates. After a while she ghosts me and then when looking on social media she announces she's marrying another guy who she also met on the apps. So essentially she was dating 2 guys at the same and wanted to compare and contrast who was worthy of being with her forever. And obviously I lost the other guys won. I was furious, lonely, depressed had suicide thoughts. Went on social media for year kept seeing so many of my friends being happy with their GFs and getting married.

After that I decided to looking into IRL paid meetings and booked at a charge rate of 500/hr which seem reasonable for me, so I booked for a meet for the following week. I did my businesss(protection was worn). Pretty bad experience. I then told myself "NO WAY!" and decided to book another one but do more research. I started looking into the different categories of IRL Meets and looked into websites where reviews can be found. In my stomach something didn't sit right seeing someone with 100 reviews because it meant it being equal 100 people. So I booked another one with just 3 reviews and more expensive for 2hrs at a 900/hr rate. I had an amazing time (what seemed amazing at the time) and this IRL meet let to others. I luckily got a higher paying job at 57k/yr 1 month after and had 33k in my savings. I started to go krazy after with the IRL meets, doing 2 meets per month sometimes 3 at 800-1200$per/hr. They all said nice things about me, talked about the cons off the dating apps and validating me that I am a nice guy and I deserve someone who appreciated me. Fast forward to 6 months a later I check my bank account and it only has $400 in it. But I still wanted to do IRL meets so I applied for a personal loan and qualified for 50k loan at 6%apr and used my parents car (2020 BMW X3/fully paid off car) as leverage for the loan. I then started going even crazier with the IRL meets. Then going to Sept of 2022 had a really special IRL meet.

Then reality hit me. I realized I don't wanna be a part of this culture. I don't like the idea of this non-sense. I realized that the convos in my IRL meets were all "MEANINGLESS". At the end of the day I truly realized "I WAS JUST A PAYCHECK TO THEM!" I started going to SLAA meetings and got 2 sponsors, things were going well I was 2 weeks clean from conducting another IRL as well as doing the virtual stuff. Then get a text and one thing led to another and sadly an IRL meet was conducted. After the meet, I felt this darkness in my heart even to this day. Where I feel that the devil is waiting for me when I die and I will not be in a good place after death. I go tell my sponsors about this and they were very supportive. I block all connections/people of negativity from my SA past. But from time to time I go on the IRL sites and get urges. I keep having memories of the time together at night and wake up with morning urges. I then went back to my sponsors and they gave me the 12 step program and things to read but none of these things were working for me. Then my sponsors just stop texting me after I the 6th time I told them I broke my cleanse. I then told a fellow SLAA member I texted with as moral support and he said I need to invest in a Paid psycho mind therapist. I look into them but see they charge 50/hr. But sadly I made a BIG financial mistake. This is now in Dec 2022 I had 50$ in the bank and $2800 net monthly income earning but have $3300 in monthly payments due in the loan I took for the IRL meets. I couldn't afford any paid help and can only do free resources available to me.

I try SLAA meeting but no hope. I try the written Green Journal method and do metaphorical destruction and shred the pages I have written to get them out of my mind. But still no hope :(

Fast Forward to today, I keep getting urges and now have gone back to virtual SA stuff. This year the longest of have gone is 4 days. I keep having memories of my IRL meet experience and just can NOT get rid of them. Luckily given my financial situation I can no longer afford paid IRL stuff and paid site stuff. But I have been going to free online sites. Today I broke my 3 day streak and acted upon my urge after seeing a photos from a past IRL meet.

PLEASE MY FELLOW SAs. I NEED HELP! & GUIDANCE! I JUST WANT TO BE FREE FROM THIS HORRIBLE DARK WORLD. Somedays I have thoughts were I just want steal money from my parents and continue my IRL meets again.