I feel like such an idiot for not seeing this.

Lately I’ve been feeling so incredibly awful - to the point I’ve had really destructive thoughts like maybe I should stop trying for recovery. And I couldn’t understand why this is happening now. I’ve been working so damn hard to understand this cunning illness.

But I think I figured out I’m in withdrawal again. I have been acting out more in my middle circle the past few months and lately I’ve been trying harder to eliminate even those behaviors. I’ve even considered changing my inner circle to prohibit these things because of how I’m beginning to define healthy sexuality for me.

The thing is I’ve really changed my bar lately for abstinence and I missed how this is creating a new sense of withdrawal. I have felt this before though when I first began recovery and I just forgot how this felt.

Now that I know this, I also know it’s temporary. Withdrawal ends. My emotions are dipping now but they will come back to not always be so low. The physical discomfort will go away as my body gets used to the new normal I’m creating.

It was so difficult to spot this and because it was so hard I wanted to give up. Not today though.