M18

I've been on a huge self-improvement kick in the last year or two. I started weightlifting, I got a solid job that has PTO, health benefits, and allows me to save up on things like a downpayment for a house. My parents are letting me live at home for as long as I need to, I have more close friends at this point in my life than ever before (and I had no friends at all 2-3 years ago). I'm watching new shows, finding new hobbies, hanging out with my sisters more than I used to, Hell my current average day is waking up at 9pm, working till 7am, and waking my little sister up to watch some Nickolodeon shows before she goes to school. It's the highlight of my day.

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All that said, I'm just as lonely as I was 2-3 years ago. Yea I got friends, and I'm making use of my young years to smoke and drink on occasion (no tobacco, only weed, and I honestly don't drink much) but even when I'm hanging with friends I feel like I'm just missing something. Most of the people I know have a special someone, I never have. I've tried asking people out, I actually tried 4 different times in Highschool, and while they were all varying degrees of sad rejections, the worst one had to have been when I asked someone to homecoming and they responded with "I guess so" and then had a mutual friend reject me the next day. But honestly, they've all been kinda like that. I've tried dating apps, and even when I put together a profile I'm actually proud of, it doesn't go anywhere. If I post any advice for fixing my appearance, the suggestions are normally to change the things I was comfortable with, so I only ever end up with more self-image problems. And even if there wasn't a pandemic right now, I don't even know what my options are outside of dating apps. I'm too young for bars and none of my hobbies involve meeting new people.

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I want intimacy, not even sex. I mean, I can recognize that I want sex, but I'm being 100% honest that I just want someone to cuddle with and re-binge-watch New Girl with me or some shit like that. And confidence is obviously an issue, but I think I can fake confidence pretty well. People in my work assume I'm in my early/mid-20s unless told otherwise, and on the topic of appearance I think I'm fairly average, and if I'm really dressing up then I could make myself above average. I've also gotten so used to being in public while high that I'm almost comfortable with being uncomfortable now.

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I don't know man. What do you, random person reading this, think? I'm just frustrated at myself for being so inept at something everyone else seems good at. Hell, I'm only half a year older than my mom was when she had me, and it's not like I'm aiming for having kids at 18 but I still feel like I'm fucking up somehow.