I need to tell my story because I need help. SR isn't healing me spiritually, and I know the reasons why.

I have done SR several times, and felt the effects to a great extent. I am a musician and have always felt more creative during bouts of SR.

In July 2023, I had a major accident that shattered my right ankle and wrist. Had to move back home and stay with my mom while healing. Couldn't play my instruments for months, let alone walk. I did physio, and I got back on my two feet by February. I returned back to my life and that's when I realized something was off. I returned back to my life in February of 2024. It's now September 2024 and I can honestly say that my accident has knocked me down spiritually and not even SR has been able to help.

It’s odd, I am in constant pain from the moment I wake to the moment I sleep. I have good days and bad days, and ejaculating (from PMO or real sex) would cause me so much more pain in my joints. I thought “maybe I have PIOS??”.

In June of 2024, I figured "let's do SR again" and I thought that would provide me with the tools to lift myself out of this spiritual deficit.

This was not the case.

I started SR June 2024 and I nearly killed myself. I realized that all my friendships were so shallow. There was no one that really cared for me or truly wanted me in their life. I was a filler for them, a person to vent to or a person to call on when they’re bored and don’t have access to the people they’d rather hang with. I gave so much of my heart to these people, and after this realization, I felt even more lost. Especially because when I did SR in previous situations, I felt so much gratitude for my friends! I removed all of my friend from my life and I became alone. Truly alone. I have a job where I am useful, and my coworkers are nice enough. But all I do is eat, work, and then go home to sleep.

With music, I just totally lost my spark. I don’t have writers block. In fact, I have ideas flowing thru me all the time. But I get stuck on the fact that I am just making content for the “circus”. You know, the circus. Like in Roman times. That even if I make music that has a valuable message, it won’t matter because we’re all listening to it on iPhones that are made with slave labour. I used to love music, and I still connect with it. But as a whole, I feel disillusioned by it. Perhaps because of my injury, I feel like less of a man. Especially with how I used to enjoy genres like rock or hip hop, it feels odd to relate to the masculine language or behaviour of that music. I used to relate to it before my injury, and now I can’t at all.

I am truly lost about my purpose in life. I feel like I’m letting myself down by not using my musical gifts. SR can’t help you if you don’t already have a sense of direction or purpose. I had the thought “maybe I need to focus on my fitness”. So I go to the gym, and the pain makes it difficult to make any progress. Truly, I am stuck. I stopped SR a week ago and now I feel equally as shit as I did before. The only difference is that now I’m cruising dating apps and hookup websites to find someone to sleep with. I do it, and the pain in my leg increases, but my panic and anxiety in my mind fades away. I go home and play my piano or guitar and beautiful ideas come out, but I don’t know what to do with them. As an artist, I don’t even know what my mission statement is. As a person, I don’t even know who my people are. I am alone, and I am just waiting to be saved. But knowing my life story, it won’t happen.

SR will not improve your life if you don’t know what you want from life.