The wife and I are going to give Secrets another try tonight. We come there looking for single men, and usually a few dumbasses turn us off, so I’m going to make another post giving some advice to single guys and hopefully help everyone have a good time.

1. Don’t be a creep. If you’re watching and/or jerking off, do so from a reasonable distance. If you’re within cumming distance, or close enough to take a step forward and touch someone, you’re too close.

2. Leave a closed door alone. If you so much as jiggle the door handle of a closed door, you are one of the “bad ones” everyone hates.

3. Show up clean. Brush your teeth, trim your nails, and scrub your body with soap (especially every part of your body a pair of briefs would cover, including your taint).

4. Do not fucking swarm women! If you can’t understand why this would make a woman uncomfortable, you’re too stupid for sex.

5. You are not entitled to anything. Expect to get rejected. If we shoot you down, maybe it’s something specific about you that we aren’t interested in, or maybe we’re not looking for what you bring to the table at that particular time but might be into it some other time. Don’t ruin your chance for next time by being a douche about it.

6. Understand that a couple’s boundaries are infinitely more important to them than your deepest desires. Expect to be sent away if you violate those boundaries one time, regardless of your intent, no matter where you are during the encounter (yes, even if you’re close to cumming).

7. If you touch anyone sexually without their consent, expect consequences. You might get your ass kicked or you might leave the property in handcuffs.

8. Police your own kind. Single men: I can tell you with absolute certainty there are at least ten of you who would’ve had a great time with us if not for other single men inspiring us to leave. If you see someone behaving inappropriately, call that shit out or report it to security.

9. If fucking with a condom makes your dick soft, get a prescription for Viagra or something. We aren’t interested in wasting any of our night waiting while a guy fumbles with his limp dick.

10. Use common sense. Ask yourself, “Is this how I’d like to be treated if roles were reversed?” and “Does this behavior have a track record of working well for me in the past?”