I don't know why I'm making this post, or what I'm hoping for. Maybe I'm just looking for somewhere to write the truth?

I'm Alex. I live in Scotland. And I think I'm lonely, but I'm not really sure. I don't really like people much. When I was in my 20s I used to be a party guy, but that was only because alcohol gave me a social superpower. Felt magical, until I ended up a homeless alcoholic. I quit drinking years ago, and probably quit people around the same time. I don't miss either of them much.

I'm married to the woman who saved me. We've got a good life. We've never had sex. She's a wonderful person who just so happens to be asexual. She never hid it. I knew before we got married, and it felt like a fair deal - give up the alcohol, give up sex, give up the chaos and the unhappiness.

My early years were chaotic. My grandfather was... you know. My mum had huge mental health issues. We lived in 16 different houses by the time I was 12. None of them were happy places. I think what happens to you when you're a kid sets your path for you. All I ever wanted was stability, and safety. I found that, but I traded away elements of me to achieve it.

I am happy. Or at least a version of me is happy. But there's this other part of me that feels empty and unfulfilled. I'm in my 40s now, and the older I get, the bigger the nothingness becomes. I can ignore it most days, but sometimes it really fucking sucks, y'know?

I think I'm posting this to meet someone I can connect with in a way that I can't fully explain. Maybe 'meet' is the wrong word, because I don't know if we'll ever actually, physically share the same space. Might be we just swap words, share thoughts, light a little something inside each other? Honestly, I don't know.

I believe in fate, and even though I've thought about writing this dozens of times, this is the first time I actually did it. If I'm right, and if fate is a thing, then you're seeing it for a reason. Essentially, I wrote it now so that you could see it now. Sounds dumb, I know.

I don't care what age you are, or what your personal circumstances are, or where you live, or what you look like. All that matters is that you're real, and that something in my words struck a chord with you.

I'm happy to answer any questions. I'm not going to ask to see your boobs.

I'll leave this here from now until tomorrow night and then I'll delete.