So, here I am again at 1am groaning and crawling on my hands and feet. What has changed since last time you may ask?

Well, I followed some advice: - doubled down on ginger - read a part of the back mechanic (working on the rest) - changed my meds cocktail to gabapentin - went to the emergency room where in no uncertain terms they told me to f off (yes, no help, nothing) - went on to marijuana on top of everything else

So what's changed? Sweet f all. Nothing helps. It says that you're supposed to stay hopeful... I'm not hopeful anymore. I've resigned myself to the fact that this my life now and it won't get better again. I appreciate all the help people tried to offer on my last post, but I'm going to ask to not give anymore advice. I can't handle anymore disappointment. I am barely holding together as it is, as my mental state crumbles further with every dreaded night.

I give up. I can't do it anymore, so I'm not even going to try anymore. It has utterly and unequivocally defeated me.